LONDON, UK — After months of mounting public pressure, Prime Minister Keir Starmer announced today that he is finally taking decisive action to fully commit to getting to the bottom of Britain’s grooming gang scandal by appointing disgraced former Prince Andrew as the new leader to oversee the inquiry.
The scandal, which has left thousands of British women and girls sexually assaulted, was previously met with silence from Starmer’s government. Prince Andrew, who was arrested this week for his involvement in Jeffrey Epstein’s sex trafficking ring, is now in charge of solving the very crimes he allegedly participated in.
“The public demanded an inquiry, and I am delivering,” Starmer stated proudly outside 10 Downing Street, with his new rape czar standing behind him. “To truly understand how these illicit, secretive rings operate and exploit vulnerable young girls, we need someone with deep, first-hand, experiential knowledge of the subject matter. And frankly, nobody in Britain has spent more time intimately familiarizing themselves with the logistics of billionaire trafficking rings than the former Duke of York.”
Prince Andrew accepted the role immediately, thanking Starmer for the opportunity to be able to utilize his years of perverted experience.
“I am deeply honored to accept this position,” Andrew said with a smile as Starmer patted him on the lower back. “I have always been intensely passionate about the youth. I intend to tackle this inquiry with the same rigorous, hands-on approach I applied during my time at Little St. James. My first order of business will be moving the inquiry’s headquarters to the Pizza Express in Woking.”
When asked how he planned to track down the grooming gang perpetrators, Andrew said that he planned on going undercover as a Pakistani Muslim rapist.
