TORONTO, CANADA– A group representing Canada’s Indian immigrant community has filed a formal grievance with the federal government, claiming that the nation’s sidewalks are “dangerously chilly” and “unacceptably firm” for their daily defecations.
Hundreds of Indian immigrants took to the streets of Toronto yesterday, demanding that the Canadian government install heated sidewalks to make outdoor defecation more comfortable. The protest, organized by the newly formed “Canadian Council for Public Pooping Rights,” drew widespread attention as protesters waved signs reading “Warm Sidewalks Now!” and “Warm Pooping is a Human Right!”
“Back home in India, we pooped freely on the streets, and it was never this cold,” complained Ramesh Patel, a 32-year-old immigrant from Mumbai, who was among the protesters. “Why can’t Canada provide the same basic human dignity? We demand heated sidewalks immediately! Not allowing us to poop in public comfortably is a human rights violation.”
When asked about the availability of indoor plumbing in Canada, Patel scoffed. “Toilets are for foreigners. We prefer the natural way.” His wife, Priya, added, “And now our bums are freezing! It’s a national emergency.”
Prime Minister Mark Carney released a statement vowing to ensure the immigrants’ outdoor pooping experience is climate-controlled by creating a ‘Carbon-Neutral Fecal Heating’ tax to fund the project which will be paid for by white Canadian citizens.
