WASHINGTON– In a groundbreaking move hailed as progressive pragmatism, Democrat leaders unveiled their latest strategy to combat the rising tide of violence against conservatives: simply banning conservatives altogether. The proposal comes on the heels of a series of high-profile attacks on conservative figures, including the recent assassination of Charlie Kirk, which many Dems have blamed on “toxic conservative rhetoric.”
“We’ve tried everything else,” said Rep. Hakeem Jeffries, flanked by Sen. Chuck Schumer and Sen. Bernie Sanders. “We’ve banned guns, we’ve banned free speech, we’ve even banned math. But the violence persists. It’s time to take the next logical step.”
The plan, dubbed “Operation Safe Spaces,” would involve the immediate arrest and reeducation of all registered Republicans, Libertarians, and anyone who has ever used the phrase “Let’s Go Brandon.” Those deemed “irredeemably conservative” would be relocated to special “reintegration camps” where they would undergo intensive sensitivity training and forced viewings of Hamilton and the movie Dear White People.
When asked how this would address the root causes of violence, Rep. Ilhan Omar shrugged. “Look, if there are no conservatives, there can’t be violence against conservatives. It’s simple math.”
Critics have called the plan “Orwellian,” “fascist,” and “the most creative excuse for political genocide since the Khmer Rouge.” But Dems remain undeterred. “We’re not banning conservatives,” clarified Sen. Chuck Schumer. “We’re just banning the conditions that allow conservatism to exist. It’s a public health measure.”
The proposal has already gained support from several major corporations, including Facebook, which has pledged to preemptively ban all conservative accounts in the name of “preventing violence.”
In related news, the ADL has updated its definition of “hate speech” to include any criticism of the ban.
