WASHINGTON– After facing a massive amount of criticism for covering up the Jeffrey Epstein client list, President Donald Trump decided to compromise with the millions of people calling for transparency by releasing the deceased sex trafficker’s infamous grocery shopping list.
As a way to extend an olive branch to all of the people who have accused him of betraying them, Trump held a huge press conference to make the big announcement that one of the most sought-after lists in history was finally being released to the public.
“Folks, I have heard your cries for transparency and I have listened,” said Trump as he held up a very large cardboard image of the shopping list. “Now trust me. This is going to be the biggest release in history. Today, I am officially declassifying that creep Jeffrey Epstein’s grocery shopping list. This is huge. Nobody cares about Epstein’s client list. But everyone, and I mean everyone, wants to know what Epstein ate for dinner.”
Trump held up the big sign and proceeded to read the list of items that Epstein had on his shopping list, which included strange items like wacky macaroni and spray cheese.
“I hope everyone’s satisfied now that I’ve released Epstein’s shopping list,” said Trump as his Attorney General Pam Bondi stood behind him smiling. “Okay, now that we’ve finally solved the Jeffrey Epstein mystery, perhaps we can get back to more important things, such as sending more money and weapons to Ukraine. I bet sleepy Joe could never send money to Ukraine as good as I can.”
