LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA– A controversial new bill has been introduced by Democrats in California which would require any person being attacked or having their life threatened to first play dead before resorting to self-defense.
The new California bill, which has been named the Play Possum Bill 69, proposes that self-defense should be a last resort and that a victim should first drop down to the ground and pretend to be dead in the hopes that the attacker will just give up and move on to some other victim.
“We must also think of the attacker’s rights,” said Democrat Assemblymember Rusty Bumperhitch during a press conference. “Which is why I have introduced this bill, which I’m calling the Play Possum Bill. Self-defense should be a very last resort when someone is being attacked by a deranged, armed lunatic, and this bill would make it illegal for a victim to defend themself if they haven’t already tried playing possum by pretending to be dead.”
Assemblymember Bumperhitch said that once the victim falls down to the ground and acts dead, they must play possum for at least ten minutes to be able to give the attacker enough time to stop assaulting, stabbing, or shooting them. “If the attacker hasn’t stopped stabbing you after ten minutes, then I guess it’s safe to assume that playing dead didn’t work and you may now move on to step two, which is trying to run away.”
Any victims who try to defend themselves rather than playing dead will face a maximum fine of $100,000 and five years in prison. California Governor Gavin Newsom hinted that he supports the Play Possum bill and would sign it into law if it came across his desk, unless it hurst his chances at becoming president then he will pretend like he doesn’t support it.
