WASHINGTON– After suffering yet another fall, a visibly unwell Senator Mitch McConnell stared blankly ahead and blinked in Morse code that he was perfectly fine and still capable of doing his job as a politician by making laws that affect the entire country.
With worried aides surrounding Mitch’s hospital bed, the 192-year-old senator tried blinking in Morse code to tell everyone that he doesn’t plan on retiring anytime soon because he’s just as spry and competent as he was when he first became a politician over a hundred years ago.
“I’m not going anywhere,” blinked Mitch McConnell as one of his aides jotted down the message. “It’s foolish for anyone to think I can’t do my job as a senator and I refuse any ridiculous calls for me to step down.”
Sen. Mitch McConnell condemned all the people who are calling for him to step down by angrily staring blankly into space while drooling down his chin. Mitch’s aides reassured the American people that he’ll be back in Congress falling and freezing up in no time.
It was later reported that Mitch didn’t actually blink the message “I’m fine” in Morse code, but was actually just having another seizure.
