HELL– Financier and one of the wealthiest people in the world Jacob Rothschild died this week and no one was happier than his father Satan, the Prince of Darkness himself.
According to sources, Satan was giddy upon the arrival of one of his most loyal workers, and said that there was a special place in Hell for the man who caused so much evil and destruction during his 87 years on earth.
“Welcome home, son,” said Satan in a booming voice as demons led Rothschild toward his master the Devil. “It’s good to see you in Hell where you belong, my evil and faithful servant. To reward you for carrying out all my nefarious deeds upon the earth, I will now reward you with an eternity of torture, misery, and suffering. Enjoy.”
Once Satan’s demons led him toward his fiery yet peaceful hotel suite, Rothschild said it was a pleasure doing his master’s bidding but was a tad disappointed at the lack of preferential treatment and nice living conditions that he was used to while living on earth.
“I say, ole chap, how about a little drink of water? It’s a tad hot down here,” said Rothschild while Satan laughed and urinated fire his way. “I wonder how long an eternity is? Hey, master Satan, you wouldn’t happen to have a calendar, would you?”
After Rothschild was in Hell for only a few minutes, Satan slowly meandered over toward Jacob and said, “Hi, Jacob, what’s happening. Hey, Jacob, we’re gonna need to go ahead and move you downstairs to storage room B. We have some new people coming in, including George Soros, and we need all the space we can get. So if you could just go ahead and pack up all your stuff that would be terrific, OK?”
