SUZU, JAPAN– A devastating earthquake shook Japan on New Year’s Day and Japanese scientists have discovered that the cause of the catastrophe that resulted in a massive tsunami was Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie swimming in the ocean during a break from his busy eating schedule.
The 7.6 magnitude earthquake hit a remote peninsula in Japan after Christie jumped into the ocean, causing an enormous reverberation that stretched for miles and left many startled citizens wondering if they were under attack.
“I thought a nuclear bomb had dropped onto our country,” said a local Japanese resident by way of Google translate. “While our whole house was shaking, I looked outside and saw a very large beast rising from the sea. I thought Godzilla had awakened and was going to kill us all, but then I had realized it was something much, much worse: an obese, angry, American politician.”
According to the scientists studying the tragedy, before the earthquake had hit the country Chris Christie had just finished eating all the food in the entire city and had jumped out into the ocean to perhaps catch a few sharks or whales to eat to satiate his still hungry stomach.
When confronted with the horrible news that he had just destroyed an entire town, Christie angrily said that he’ll never drop out of the presidential race because if Donald Trump becomes president then all kinds of natural disasters like earthquakes and tsunamis will start happening.
