KIEV, UKRAINE– After asking spirit-cooking performance artist Marina Abramović to be his new ambassador for Ukraine, President Volodymyr Zelensky retracted his offer and decided to go with someone who was an even better representation of Ukraine by hiring the Evil One Satan.
Zelensky brought Satan out onto the stage and gave the Father of Lies a large hug before posing for photos as the Ruler of Demons burst into flames from blushing at the honor of representing the country known as Hell on earth.
“I’m sure my new ambassador needs no introduction,” said Zelensky while Satan smiled and took a bow. “I originally asked Satanist Marina Abramović to be my next ambassador, but then I realized why appoint someone who only worships the great Satan when I can literally hire the man himself to represent the Ukraine.”
Satan then thanked Zelensky for the honor of being the ambassador for a country that traffics children, creates biological weapons, and arrests Christians.
“I’d like to thank my good friend and one of my most faithful servants, President Zelensky, for the opportunity,” said Satan with a charred smile as Zelensky prepared a sacrifice in his honor. “I’m really proud of what President Zelensky has accomplished here by turning Ukraine into Hell 2.0, but we still have plenty of work to do to get the rest of the world on board with my Satanic agenda.”
President Joe Biden congratulated Satan on his new position and said that he has always considered the Lord of Darkness to be more than a great master, but also the best father he’s ever had.
