WASHINGTON– Days after the horrific aftermath of the deadly spill of vinyl chloride in Ohio, President Joe Biden reassured the small town’s worried citizens that he has their best interests at heart and plans on addressing the problems in East Palestine and other surrounding areas by sending billions of dollars to Ukraine.
“Don’t worry, folks, as usual I’m ready to fix another problem caused by my administration,” said Biden, only 400 miles away from the scene of the explosion. “I know you’ve all been asking where I’ve been this whole time, but no need to worry. You’ll all be happy to know that I’ll be assisting each and every one of you by sending another $100 billion to Ukraine.”
Reporters were stunned by the president’s answer to the damage and animal deaths caused by the spill, with Biden reflecting on his choice words before recanting his previous statement.
“You bastards are right, what was I thinking saying I’d send $100 billion to Ukraine to help the people of Ohio,” said Biden, appearing stoic and reserved. “That’s why I’m ordering Congress to send $200 billion to Ukraine’s President Zelensky. That should just about cover my share due to the inflation that I caused.”
When reached for comment, Zelensky said he was grateful for the $200 billion being sent to him to help Ohio recover, but stated that it wasn’t enough and asked Ohioans affected by the incident to please dig deep into their pockets and send whatever money they can to Ukraine as long as it’s at least $1,000 per person.
