NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK– An obese man out of New York is being heralded as a hero by health officials for his stunning transformation after the fat man cut out all the pure cocaine from his daily meals and began only inhaling diet coke.
“I’ve never felt better in my life,” said the big guy, washing down some LSD with a twelve pack of beer. “Ever since I started sniffing diet coke instead of the full-strength version, I’ve gained another twenty pounds. I also now only stay awake for about two weeks straight, and I’ve been beating my wife less often.”
The fat man confided that the reason he decided he needed to cut back on the stronger cocaine was because he was losing too much weight and couldn’t stand looking at his anorexic body in the mirror any longer.
“While doing pure cocaine, my weight dropped down to a dangerous 389 pounds,” said the portly fellow while popping nineteen opioid pills. “Now my meals usually consist of some fentanyl, heroin, LSD, opioids, PCP, ketamine, and a diet coke.”
The large man’s wife attributes the addition of the diet coke to his regimen for the man’s dramatic improvement, saying she’s a much happier woman now that her husband only punches her in the face ten times a day instead of the previous twenty times while he was fully coked up.
Due to the obese man’s newfound focus on health, New York Governor Kathy Hochul has decided to appoint him to the head of the state’s health department.
