WASHINGTON– In response to the accusations of indiscriminate attacks by Russian forces in Ukraine, the American government issued a stern response saying that only the United States is allowed to commit war crimes and attack other countries on false pretenses, not Russia, Iran, China, or any other country.
During a State Department press briefing on Wednesday, Ambassador Beth Schaack told reporters US intelligence sources have made an intelligent decision to call out Vladimir Putin’s supposed attacks on civilians.
“Only the United States government is allowed to commit atrocities in foreign countries,” said Schaack while Obama drone striked Afghanistan from the comfort of his home. “The USA has a long and proud history of bombing other countries and killing millions of men, women, and children, but we can’t have dictators like Putin making us look bad by killing more innocent civilians than us.”
US Secretary Blinken warned Putin that if Russia kills more civilians than the US government then President Joe Biden will be forced to throw a few more Trump supporters in prison to let the world know that America is still the king of tyranny.
“Who does Russia think they are, the American government?” Asked Blinken while he blinked incessantly.
Former US Presidents George Bush Jr., Bill Clinton, Barack Obama, and the ghost of George HW Bush got together to put out a video showing all the war crimes they’ve committed while in office. The video is over 2 million hours long and will be available on DVD and Blu-ray by Christmas.
