ATLANTA, GEORGIA– As grocery store shelves around the country continue to empty out and food becomes more scarce, CNN stated that not having any food to eat is actually a good thing and anyone who disagrees with starvation is a racist.
The world’s most trusted name in news CNN aired a three hour program this morning regarding the massive food shortages across the United States, claiming that starving to death can be good for everyday Americans and bad for the rich people who’ll have to eat all the food and get fat.
“Everyone thinks that empty shelves, no food, and starvation are bad things, but in reality, they’re good for the country,” said rotund host Brian Stelter as he ate an entire bucket of fried chicken to demonstrate the evilness of food. “Starving to death makes people stronger and gives them character. I’ll probably be on the toilet for an hour after eating this disgusting, crispy fried chicken.”
Stelter went on to say that the immediate benefits of going hungry include, losing weight, saving money, and having more free time to watch CNN.
“I’m suffering by eating this repulsive, greasy chicken so you don’t have to,” said Stelter while licking the grease off his grubby little fingers. “Our latest anonymous scientific sources say that full supermarket shelves are racist because it harkens back to a time when black people were still bound in chains and getting whipped.”
CNN ended the segment by flashing pictures of rich billionaires gorging on copious amounts of food as a way to convince the everyday American that eating too much food will put them in a higher tax bracket and will also make their electric bills higher due to storing all that evil food.
