WASHINGTON– As millions of people on social media continue to spread the #PoopyPantsBiden hashtag in reference to Joe Biden’s accidental steamy discharge while visiting the Vatican, the president has vowed to remove all toilet paper from the United States as punishment to all those people who ridiculed him for something he says everyone does daily.
After getting banned from Italy for leaving his foul stench behind inside the Pope’s Vatican Palace, Biden came back home expecting a warm welcome from American citizens, being that he’s the most popular president of all time and everyone loves him dearly.
Once word reached Biden’s hearing aid that everyone was laughing at him, sources say he became livid and promised to crackdown on all the poop-hating gerontophobiacs who insulted him.
“My patience has worn thin and I’m tired of all the smart asses making fun of me behind their dialup computer things,” said Biden while Secret Service agents changed his Depends underwear. “This is why I’m left with no choice but to declare martial law and have my loyal military guys go house to house confiscating every roll of toilet paper within this here country of China or my name’s not Brandon.”
Warning: Graphic photo below of America’s most popular president.
While members of the military burned thousands of rolls of toilet paper on the White House lawn, Biden roared with laughter and added, “How do you like that, Jack? I guess all you dog-faced pony soldiers will think twice before poking fun at me now. I’m going to get on my rotary phone and make fun of all you guys for shitting in your trousers now.”
In one final act of spite against the American people, Biden says he’s also contemplating raising gas prices to further make his fecal-shaming offenders pay.
“You crap in my cornflakes again and I just might raise those cheap $5 a gallon gas prices that I’m blessing everyone with.”
It’s Adolf Shitler.
How about paper towels, Joe?