ATLANTA, GEORGIA– Shocking new evidence that was recently discovered during a live broadcast on CNN’s Columbus Day holiday special shows that famed explorer Christopher Columbus didn’t actually discover America, but rather America discovered him first.
These new findings have sent shockwaves the world over, with many people questioning what other events in history are actually incorrect or even the complete opposite of reality.
Last night on the hit news program Reliable Sources, quirky host Brian Stelter revealed that for hundreds of years most people believed that Columbus sailed the ocean blue and then spotted America on his famous voyage to the new world, but Stelter claims that’s not so.
During the intense one on one interview, Stelter asked all the pertinent questions that every reliable mainstream news anchor asks their guests, such as “What part did President Trump play in this crime and how long until he gets impeached?”
Stelter went on to say that America is a heroic whistleblower who coincidentally happened to overhear Trump over the phone asking Spain to use the Italians to get dirt on his political opponent George Washington.
“Yeah, dude, like I saw Columbus long before he saw me,” America stated as Stelter sweated into his eyes. “I was chilling on the beach with some of my boys when I saw this big boat out in the Atlantic Ocean going around in constant circles.
“I was kind of high at the time and all the circling started making me dizzy, man.”
Hard-nosed Stelter used a large, yellow sponge to wipe his moist brow before pressing America for more details.
“So, America, what you’re basically saying is that President Trump colluded with Spain to win the very first presidential election and used Christopher Columbus to get dirt on his political opponent former Vice President George Washington?
After eating his last magic brownie, America thought about Stelter’s irrelevant question for a moment and then continued.
“Uh, yeah, man, that’s when I told my homie Canada to go grab my United States flag so I could get this Columbus dude’s attention. If only I knew back then what was going to happen next then maybe I would’ve just put up a ‘no vacancy’ sign.”
America added, “I just want to chill and get along with everybody, bro. I never wanted to cause all this heat with my fellow dudes and babes.”
An annoyed Stelter ended his program by showing a recently unearthed video of Trump firing the very first shot that started the Mexican-American War of 1846.
