WASHINGTON- The United States Postal Service has recently acquired the world’s largest packing delivery company UPS in the biggest merger since someone placed jelly onto their peanut butter sandwich. The two powerful delivery services will be combined under the new banner USPSUPS.
According to a statement from USPS headquarters in Washington, the federal government purchased the Atlanta-based company after postal workers across the country protested in favor of more drab uniforms.
“Why’re federal workers walking around in red, white and blue outfits?” A 32 year old postal worker named Jim Carrey asked as he proudly showed off his new red, white, blue, brown, and yellow uniform to Fox News reporters.
Mailman Carrey added, “Our former uniforms made us stick out like sore thumbs. We were like targets for dogs everywhere. At least with our new uniforms people won’t know if we work for UPS or USPS. Maybe they’ll finally stop asking us for directions or wondering if we’ve ever seen the Kevin Costner movie The Postman.”
Although the majority of USPS and UPS employees voted in favor of the groundbreaking merger, the acquisition has its critics.
“Now I have to be home with my wife every day by dinner,” complained 41 year old UPS employee Wayne Newman. “At least when I was working for UPS and not USPSUPS I was always working late delivering packages to people’s homes and didn’t get home till after 10 o’clock at night sometimes when my wife was already sleeping. Now I’m home by 4 and I have to talk to her about my wonderful day.”
One caveat that Washington wants the public to be aware of though is that the merger of USPS and UPS will not increase the accuracy of letters going to correct addresses, earlier delivery times of packages, or lessen employees “going postal” by shooting up post offices with automatic weapons.
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