Drinking Excess Beer Boosts Spread Of Leaka Virus

DALLAS, TEXAS– Last year, a strange new virus called Leaka Virus made headlines when an outbreak began in Mexico’s Margarita section and quickly spread to neighboring countries and college frat towns.

Leaka is a whizz virus that was discovered in 1999 in a New York subway restroom after a drunken homeless man accidentally urinated into the mouth of another homeless man who was sleeping on the restroom floor.

In January, the World Health Organization declared that the complications from the Leaka virus was an international emergency that required all bars, liquor stores, people urinating into other people’s mouths, and Irishmen to be extra cautious. 

“We’re calling on all beer drinkers to be extra vigilant,” said Chad Taylor, 47 year old WHO spokesman out of the Dallas branch. “We just want the world to know that we’re not trying to cause mass worldwide panic, but rather take everyone’s attention off of things that are really going on behind the scenes.”

Taylor wants people to know specifically what to look for and how to avoid being contaminated with the Leaka virus.

“It’s not the beer itself that causes the Leaka virus to spread,” Taylor explained as urine seeped down his pant leg, “but the excess consumption of the beverage.

“According to extensive research performed by our top scientists, the Leaka virus seems to be amplified by the consumption of cheap swill beer, as well as urinating it into people’s mouths. To be honest, it’s more of the urinating into people’s mouths that causes Leaka.”

After shaking off his leg like an alley cat, Taylor explained that the Leaka virus has been proven to spread sexually and can cross into a pregnant woman’s fetus, causing the baby to be born with numerous birth defects, such as being a heterosexual, male, Christian, and a gun lover.

Unfortunately, there’s no medication or vaccine out to combat the Leaka virus, so experts are warning people to be extra careful whenever around people while consuming large amounts of beer. In response to the influx of the virus, the White House has asked Congress for $900 trillion dollars to help fight the virus. 

“We’re doing everything in our power to stop the spread of Leaka,” President Obama said in an official statement. “But we’re asking for the public’s assistance in the eradication of Leaka by using protection whenever urinating into anyone’s mouths.”