Comcast Raises Prices To Pay For CEO’s Hair Plugs

PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA– Comcast customers were shocked when they opened their latest bills and saw a personal message from Comcast CEO Brian L. Roberts stating that Comcast will be raising prices once again. But it wasn’t the price hike that has everyone in an uproar, rather the reason for the ridiculous new charge.

In Comcast subscribers’ new monthly statement, Roberts personally amended a typed and signed letter telling the millions of loyal Comcast customers the reason for the exorbitant increase of $1250.34 a month on top of their current bill and also to ask frustrated customers to bear with him during the transition as he risks his life undergoing major hair transplant surgery. 

“I first want to thank all of you for your patronage,” stated Roberts at the top of the lengthy letter, “and ask that you bear with us during this minimal monthly increase of $1250.34, which will take affect on your bill immediately.

“It’s not easy once you get to a certain time in your life,” the letter continued, “when you wake up one morning and realize that money is an issue for everyone, even for CEO’s like myself who make a paltry $132 billion dollars a year. Which is why it pains me to have to temporarily permanently raise our loyal customers’ monthly payments to pay for a major follicular regeneration surgery that I will be undergoing at a very difficult time in my burdensome life. I just ask for everyone’s’ patience with this nominal rate increase and to also ask for your prayers for me and my family at this difficult time.”

In response to the outlandish price hike, thousands of people took to Comcast’s Facebook page to voice their opinions on the hair-raising matter.

“Hair today, gone tomorrow, but your prices are still here,” posted Martha Blimpton with a frowning emoticon at the end. 

“My dog can do a better job at writing a letter,” posted Nate Towers with a few exclamation points at the end.

“Just get a hairpiece, Sloberts,” posted James Donahue with a gravatar of Obama in drag.

“No wonder you only make $132 billion a year, you incompetent jerk,” posted Mary Smith.

“Why don’t they transplant a brain into that skull cap of yours, horse’s ass,” posted Mike Roman.

“Billion dollar CEO raises prices to pay for hair plugs, but you’ll never look as good as me,” posted Donald Trump after tweeting a photo that someone had sent him of Brian L. Roberts’ face on a hairy baboon’s body.