LOOKING GLASS, ENGLAND– Nursery rhyme star Humpty Dumpty is suing the King of England and all the King’s Men for 100 million pounds for a botched surgery performed by all the King’s Men and all the King’s Horses in what is turning out to be one of the nastiest litigation cases in Britain’s history.
Breaking his silence in a televised interview with BBC GMT news reporter and Black Panther actress Lucy Hockings, Humpty Dumpty explained how the tragic event has changed his life for the worst.
“I haven’t slept in centuries,” he said through yolky tears with his lawyer Mother Goose present as Hockings adjusted her nude pantyhose. “I still remember vividly the day I fell off of that wall. I remember seeing all the King’s Men coming over the bridge on all the King’s Horses and I was ecstatic thinking that I was about to be rescued and pieced back together properly. How was I to know that the King would hire incompetent men as his most elite employees.”
Bubbly Lucy Hockings crossed her legs a few times and then pressed Humpty Dumpty for more details. “So, Mr. Dumpty, are you saying that you had some idea that all the King’s Men were perhaps not qualified to perform their duties as representatives of the King?”
“Don’t answer that,” Mother Goose interjected with a scowl, preventing her client from exposing too much information.
“My client was in no way shape or form under the impression that all the King’s Men were anything but competent. The fault lies first with the city of Looking Glass and its deplorable infrastructure and decayed condition of the bridge that gave way under my client’s eggshell. We’re seeking full retribution for the fall and also for the way the King’s representatives tried piecing my client back together. Humpty Dumpty is now disabled and has post-traumatic stress disorder from all the anguish this tragic event has caused him.”
Humpty Dumpty wiped the yolk from his eyes and continued. “Lucy, I just want what any egg wants in this world: to live a happy life free from cracks, malformations and any blemishes that would make me undesirable to the right person.”
In yet another tragic turn of events at the end of the interview, Humpty Dumpty fell from his high-chair and onto the floor and had to be rushed to the Looking Glass Medical Center. Sources say that Mother Goose is now urging Humpty Dumpty to sue the BBC for damages.
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