Supreme Court Rules U.S. Men’s Hockey Team Banned From Scoring Against Canada
WASHINGTON — In a landmark 6 to 3 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the U.S. Olympic men’s hockey team is constitutionally prohibited from scoring any goals in its…
Iran Joins Democrat Party So They Can Commit Crimes Without Consequences
TEHRAN, IRAN — Iran officially announced Friday that it has joined the Democratic Party, citing the party’s long-standing reputation for committing crimes and fraud without ever facing meaningful consequences. Supreme…
Keir Starmer Appoints Grooming Gang Expert Prince Andrew To Lead Inquiry Into Rape Gangs
LONDON, UK — After months of mounting public pressure, Prime Minister Keir Starmer announced today that he is finally taking decisive action to fully commit to getting to the bottom…
CNN Investigates Alarming Absence Of Black Crows In Predominantly White Seagull Beach Communities
ATLANTA, GEORGIA— CNN's investigative unit has uncovered a troubling lack of avian inequality along America's coastlines, where the nation’s beaches appear dominated by white seagulls with little to no black…
Mayor Mamdani Goes Door-To-Door Checking Under Floorboards For Hidden Dogs
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK — Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced a citywide initiative to inspect private residences for concealed canines, following his cabinet's bold proposal to ban dogs because they…
California Solves Double Voting Fraud By Legalizing Triple Voting Fraud
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — In a bold reimagining of election integrity, the State of California announced today that it has resolved all concerns about alleged double voting fraud simply by legally…
America Celebrates ‘Hillary And Kamala Still Not Presidents Day’
U.S. — Millions of Americans gathered Monday to observe this year's "Hillary And Kamala Still Not Presidents Day" federal holiday, a solemn yet deeply joyous event honoring candidates who came…
AOC Prepares For Munich Foreign Policy Conference By Watching ‘Team America: World Police’
MUNICH, GERMANY — After arriving at the 62nd Munich Security Conference, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) announced that she had completed her foreign policy preparation this week by watching the 2004…
Congressman Shri Thanedar Pauses Immigration Hearing To Sell ICE Director Extended Warranty On His 2005 Honda Civic
WASHINGTON — In a bizarre exchange during today's highly anticipated Immigration hearings, Indian-American Democrat Congressman Shri Thanedar interrupted a heated House Judiciary Committee hearing on immigration enforcement to aggressively sell…
Congress Holds Epstein’s Pilot In Contempt For Refusing To Answer Any Questions
WASHINGTON — A tense congressional hearing erupted into outrage Thursday after Congress members voted to hold Jeffrey Epstein’s former flight log pilot in contempt of Congress for obstructing an investigation…
Mark Carney Prevents Future Trans School Shootings By Banning All Canada Schools
OTTAWA, CANADA — In a move hailed by the Liberal government as a breakthrough in public safety, Prime Minister Mark Carney announced that he will be banning all schools in…
Pam Bondi Narrowly Prevents Any Epstein Clients From Facing Justice
WASHINGTON — In a display of breathtaking legal gymnastics, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi reportedly succeeded in narrowly avoiding the investigation, arrest, charging, questioning, or mild scheduling inconvenience of any…
