Dead Voters Beg Congress To Pass SAVE Act So They Can Finally Rest In Peace
U.S. —Citing extreme exhaustion and a desperate desire for eternal slumber, a coalition of several million deceased Americans held a silent, subterranean rally this week to demand that Congress immediately…
Galactic Inflation Hits Hard As Single Portion Of Blue Milk Now Costs 45 Credits
MOS EISLEY, TATOOINE — Families across the Outer Rim are waking up to a harsh economic reality this week as the price of everyday groceries reaches astronomical new heights as…
Gavin Newsom’s Tough Guy Photo Op Undermined By Extremely Gay Power Tool Stance
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — Governor Gavin Newsom’s choreographed photo opportunity at a California construction site was reportedly ruined after his attempt to project a rugged, working-class image was completely undermined by…
Laid-Off Spirit Airlines Employee Finds Comforting, Familiar Threat Of Physical Violence At New Waffle House Job
ATLANTA, GEORGIA —Following the official permanent grounding of Spirit Airlines last week, former gate agent Jerome Higgins reported that he has successfully transitioned to the graveyard shift at a local…
Tim Walz Blasts FBI Daycare Raids For Leaving Thousands Of Fake Children Without Care
ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA — In a fiery and deeply emotional press conference on Wednesday, Governor Tim Walz fiercely condemned the FBI, DHS, and ICE for their coordinated raids on dozens…
King Charles Presents Trump With Gift Of Keir Starmer Frozen In Carbonite
WASHINGTON — In a grand gesture aimed at reaffirming the Special Relationship between the United States and the United Kingdom, King Charles III officially presented President Donald Trump with a…
Secret Service Replaces Range Targets With Photos Of Fellow Agents After Realizing It’s The Only Thing They Can Consistently Hit
WASHINGTON — Following a series of incidents in which multiple agents shot at one another while the actual suspect escaped unharmed, the Secret Service announced that it has officially replaced…
Biden Defends Ilhan Omar By Recounting His Own Harrowing Service In The Trenches Of World War 9
REHOBOTH BEACH, DELAWARE— Coming to the defense of Congresswoman Ilhan Omar following her widely mocked reference to World War 11, former President Joe Biden reportedly held an impromptu press briefing…
‘No Kings’ Protesters Clarify They Don’t Oppose Actual King Currently Visiting White House
WASHINGTON — Chaos erupted outside the White House gates as thousands of "No Kings" protesters gathered to denounce the "monarchical tyranny" of President Trump, while making it abundantly clear that…
Democrats Condemn Shooter’s White Half For Trying To Assassinate Trump
WASHINGTON — Following the chaotic arrest of shooter Cole Allen, prominent Democratic leaders held a press conference Monday to officially condemn the white half of the would-be assassin, the 31-year-old…
CNN Accuses Trump Of Being ‘Aggressively Uncooperative’ For Refusing To Be Assassinated
WASHINGTON — In a blistering prime-time segment following Saturday night’s chaos at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, CNN anchors and analysts expressed growing frustration with President Trump, accusing the commander-in-chief…
NAACP Concerned SPLC Fraud Case Could Lead To Catastrophic Shortage Of Profitable White Racism
BALTIMORE, MARYLAND — Holding an emergency press conference on Saturday, top NAACP leaders expressed concern that the Department of Justice’s recent 11-count fraud indictment against the Southern Poverty Law Center…
