BEIJING, CHINA– It was a sad day in China after Republican Senator Mitch McConnell announced his retirement from the Chinese Communist Party at the young age of 192, with President Xi Jinping moved to tears at the thought of losing one of his best American employees.
Mitch McConnell flew to China to break the news to his boss Chinese President Xi that he was retiring to spend more time down inside of the sewers with the rest of his turtle clan before he passes away.
“Mitch, you have been a good and faithful servant,” said President Xi, looking down at Mitch McConnell in his wheelchair. “I must commend you on all your years in Congress betraying the American people by voting against any bill that would have improved the United States, and also for selling me top secret classified government information.”
After bowing down at the feet of President Xi, Mitch thanked his boss for all the millions of dollars in bribe money and promised that he would help China find another corrupt US politician to replace him before retirement.
McConnell also announced that he was retiring from the governments of Ukraine, Israel, Saudi Arabia, and a dozen other countries that he was working for other than the United States.