NEW YORK, NEW YORK– Drug company Pfizer has been doing the happy dance recently after news media outlets diverted American’s attention away from the recent news of vaccine deaths and onto something Russia’s been doing thousands of miles away in another continent.
Once a federal judge ruled that Pfizer must release documents citing all their research on the copious amounts of vaccine side effects, the pharmaceutical company began sweating bullets and praying that something, anything, would take up the news cycle and make people forget about the recent vaccine revelations.
“Our prayers were answered once we saw the news reporting on the beef between Russia and Ukraine,” said Pfizer executive Ima Scammer. “Thankfully most Americans are stupid and only have the attention span of a goldfish. I’m sure most of them forgot within five minutes about all the people who died from our totally safe vaccines.”
The executive went on to say that by the time the news cycle circles back to the vaccines, most of the people who got vaccinated will probably be dead by then anyway.
“Hopefully we timed this right,” said Scammer jokingly, referring to vaxxers dropping dead. “If we have to throw a little extra money at the news stations to keep reporting on Russia for the next couple years to placate the American idiots then so be it. We’ll just spread the propaganda that anyone who doesn’t support vaccine deaths is a racist, transphobic Russian asset.”
