ATLANTA, GEORGIA– Health officials for the Centers for Disease Control and Alcohol Hangover Prevention (CDC) have been working overtime in a coordinated effort with Mexico and China over a Corona virus that’s given hangovers to more than a million people worldwide.
During a televised news conference with various health agency directors to discuss a possible solution, officials stated that the contagious beer outbreak is a very serious public threat in the United States, with the potential to affect the cognitive functioning of any American who drinks the alcohol in excess.
“This is an extremely, highly, largely, major public health issue,” U.S. Health Secretary Alex Azar said as he safely smoked four cigarettes at once. “We need the entire world to know right now that the virulent components in Corona beer will in fact make you very drunk.”
Azar went on to suggest that due to the seriousness of the Corona virus outbreak, U.S. officials are telling everyone to take up much safer habits, such as smoking cigarettes, taking street drugs, or having unprotected sex with prostitutes.
Health officials ran thousands of tests on the Corona brand to locate any beer that was tainted with the virus, which required them to hang out at bars around the country and get plastered drunk.
During the press conference, Azar explained that the Corona beer virus originated from China, where Mexico purchases the hops to make the world famous alcoholic beverage. He said the Chinese have refused continued offers from the U.S. to send them much safer substances to export like cocaine, heroin, or Justin Bieber’s latest music album.
Health officials are warning the public to be on the lookout for symptoms of Corona virus infection, such as headache, vomiting into a toilet, waking up the next morning to someone you don’t know, flirting with less attractive people, money missing from your wallet or purse, empty beer bottles lying around, or new ugly tattoos on a strange part of the body.
