ATLANTIC CITY, NEW JERSEY– What’s more breathtaking than a group of loud, cackling, defecating seagulls in your home garden and what’s the best way to obtain that pleasant ambiance?
Those questions and many others will be answered here today in a one on one interview with bird expert and fellow seagull lover Dr. Jay Oxpecker.
Dr. Oxpecker took time out of his busy schedule to give Daily Soak staff the inside scoop on how and what attracts seagulls and also what makes these glorious birds tick.
Daily Soak: Dr. Oxpecker, thanks for taking time to give our readers a better insight into the mind of one of the world’s most majestic birds. What better way to learn about the mighty gull then from a real ornithologist.
Dr. Oxpecker: My pleasure, but I’m not actually an ornithologist. I don’t study all birds, just seagulls. My degree is in Seagullology Studies. Truthfully, I’m just a man who loves those gorgeous seagulls and everything about them.
Daily Soak: Interesting. So, other than college, how do you know so much about seagulls?
Dr. Oxpecker: I’ve lived at the Jersey Shore my entire life. I’ve seen so many sexy seagulls outside doing seagull stuff. I think that alone gives me enough credentials to be an expert in seagullology. I also read a children’s seagull book when I was about 8 years old.
Daily Soak: Indeed it does. Well, let’s just cut to the chase, doctor, because we’re trying to keep this article down to a minimum so we don’t overload people’s brains. So tell me, what’s the best way to get those birds to come into someone’s backyard and stay?
Dr. Oxpecker: It’s all about dominance, for one. Seagulls are extremely dominant birds. They must be in charge at all times, whether they’re dealing with animals or humans. The best way to show your submissiveness and to attract seagulls is to take off all your clothes, lie face-down in your garden, and wait for them to approach you. Once those seductive birds see that you’re willing to be dominated in every way imaginable just to get them into your garden, they’ll know that they can control you.
Daily Soak: Wow, interesting squared. So what’s number two, doc?
Dr. Oxpecker: Uh, I just told you what the three things are. I said the best way to attract seagulls is to take off all your clothes, lie face-down in your garden, and wait for them to approach you. Unless I’m bad at math, that’s three things.
Daily Soak: Oh, I thought all those things were part of number one.
Dr. Oxpecker: Believe me, I’ve attracted thousands of those sultry seagulls that way. Remember what I said, it’s all about dominance. For example, right now I have twenty-two husky male seagulls waiting for me to get back home and cook them dinner. If I’m even one minute late they’ll all take turns slapping me across the face with their massive beaks.
