Horse Manure: Beauty Secret Or Just Horse Crap

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA– Everyone knows a little TLC on the skin can go a long way, but how far would you go to achieve that lustrous skin glow? Apparently not far enough, says Jane Kaka, the inventor of a new skin cream line called Hoof Prints, slated to hit store shelves by this summer.

On last week’s episode of Shark Tank, fledgling entrepreneur Jane Kaka showcased her ingenious idea, much to the chagrin of Shark Tank’s elite panel of judges.

According to Kaka, all her skin products are one hundred percent all natural and harvested right off of her own horse farm in Louisiana. “What’s better than all natural ingredients?” Kaka asked the cast of apprehensive billionaires, holding up a small brown bottle of Hoof Prints. “All the skin products you see being retailed are full of nasty chemicals and laboratory-made fragrances. My products are one hundred percent natural and have their own distinct smell. What better way to recycle life’s resources?”

When asked by Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban why anyone would want to rub horse feces all over their face, Kaka was persistent.

“Good question,” Kaka responded, handing each of the judges their own bottle of the skin cream to sample. “Independent studies have shown that feces is chock full of beneficial ingredients, such as proteins, fats, water and numerous vitamins and minerals. Truthfully, Mr. Cuban, you wouldn’t fertilize your garden with dangerous chemicals, additives and preservatives, so why would you put that junk on your face? My products are gonna revolutionize the beauty care industry.”

Even though it’s true that fecal matter is made up of a combination of proteins, fats, salts, bacteria and various indigestible vitamins, most of the panel of billionaires opted out.

“I’m out,” said the lovely Lori Greiner, better known as ‘The Queen of QVC’. “But not because I don’t like the idea,” she added, sniffing an opened bottle of the aromatic skin cream and rubbing some of it on her hand, “it’s because there’s certain laws regarding the use of animal products in cosmetics. There’ll be too many deals having to be made with specific animal rights groups.”

After Shark Tank’s Robert opted out, opportunistic billionaire Kevin O’Leary was the only host left that was intrigued by the product and ready to make a deal with Kaka.

“I want eighty-nine percent of your company, total control of your farm and I want full rights to the actual idea of using horse manure in other products, such as food, medicine and clothing. I believe this is a very lucrative and untapped area just waiting to be harnessed. So, take it or leave it. You’d be foolish to turn down this generous offer. I’ll even let you come visit your horses once a week. They don’t call me Mr. Wonderful for nothing.”

After accepting Kevin O’Leary’s generous offer, Kaka stated that he made the right decision. “You won’t regret this. In fact, I have a few other ideas ready to be marketed, including a shampoo made out of cow tripe.”

Look for Hoof Prints for sale in your local retailer by mid summer.