Judge Releases Repeat Murderer After Deeming 10-Minute Timeout Enough To Teach Him A Lesson
PORTLAND, OREGON— A local circuit court judge dismissed all charges against a 14-time convicted murderer on Tuesday, ruling that a strict ten-minute unsupervised timeout in the courthouse corridor was a…
China Assures Americans Tiny Cameras In Panda Bear’s Eyes Are Not For Spying
BEIJING, CHINA — Minutes after China's President Xi Jinping announced during a White House meeting with President Donald Trump that two giant pandas will arrive at Zoo Atlanta in the…
Canada’s Official United Nations Address Delivered Entirely In Punjabi
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — International diplomats were left tapping their translation earpieces on Wednesday after Canada delivered its official address to the United Nations General Assembly entirely in Punjabi…
Netanyahu Uses Samson Option On Mayor’s Mansion To Avoid Mamdani Arrest
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Bypassing several layers of international law, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reportedly activated the country's controversial Samson Option toward Gracie Mansion Tuesday after learning that…
Zelensky Spotted Passing Collection Basket Around United Nations
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky was spotted passing a long-handled collection basket around the United Nations Tuesday, stopping at the various national delegations in an apparent…
Trump Taunts Banned Reporters By Replacing Them With Sock Puppets
WASHINGTON — In a gloating, triumphant display of media mockery, President Donald Trump reportedly found a new way to remind several banned White House reporters that they were no longer…
Newsom Unveils Bold El Niño Preparedness Plan By Blaming Someone Else After It Happens
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — California Governor Gavin Newsom unveiled the state's comprehensive preparedness plan for the potentially historic El Niño season Tuesday, assuring residents that the state is taking every possible…
Fox News Fills Trump Blackout By Spending Six Hours Discussing Its Trump Blackout
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Fox News was reportedly scrambling Monday to fill the sudden void left by its decision to stop participating in pooled coverage of President Donald Trump,…
Geometry Teacher Suspended After Students Report Seeing KKK Hood On Whiteboard
SPRINGFIELD, OHIO — A local high school geometry teacher has been suspended indefinitely after several traumatized students reported seeing what they described as a "deeply disturbing KKK hood" displayed prominently…
Gavin Newsom Denies Allegations He Has Been Using Taxpayer Money Responsibly
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — California Gov. Gavin Newsom issued a furious denial Saturday after allegations surfaced that he may have been using taxpayer money responsibly, calling the accusation "deeply offensive" and…
Mark Carney Spins Prize Wheel To Determine Which Country Canada Will Sell Out To Next
OTTAWA, ONTARIO — Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney unveiled a new foreign-policy initiative Saturday that will allow Canada to determine which country it will sell out to next by spinning…
CNN Threatens Trump With Accurate Reporting If White House Ban Isn’t Lifted
WASHINGTON — CNN issued a stern warning to President Donald Trump Saturday, threatening to begin reporting accurate, fact-based information about his administration if the network's ban from the White House is…
