London Declared Safest City In Europe For People Who Don’t Visit London
LONDON, UK — London has officially been declared the safest city in Europe for people who don't visit London, according to a new report released by city officials eager to…
Elmo Insists New Chinese Muppet Was Just A Friend Who Wanted To Learn About US Military Bases
SESAME STREET — Elmo defended his friendship with a newly arrived Chinese exchange Muppet named Mei-Mei after reports surfaced that the mysterious character had been asking questions about the locations…
Congress Introduces Historic Bill To Give Every Homeless Veteran A Cardboard Box
WASHINGTON — In what congressional leaders are describing as a historic breakthrough in veterans' housing policy, lawmakers introduced bipartisan legislation Wednesday that would guarantee every homeless veteran in America access…
AOC Accuses Americans Of Islamophobia For Not Celebrating Hindu Manure Festival
WASHINGTON – Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, accused Americans of rampant Islamophobia Tuesday after learning that millions of people across the country had failed to participate in the Diwali Hindu manure…
Trump Retaliates For China’s Spying By Sending Marco Rubio To Charm Xi Jinping
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that the United States was launching an unprecedented counterespionage operation against China, sending Secretary of State Marco Rubio to Beijing disguised as an attractive…
UK Police Arrest Sexual Predator After Establishing The Suspect Is Not Muslim
LONDON, UK — British police announced Monday that they had successfully arrested convicted sexual predator Russell Brand after first establishing that the suspect was not Muslim, a critical preliminary step…
Trump Surprised To Learn Voters Took His Mass Deportation Promise Seriously
WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump reportedly expressed surprise Monday after discovering that millions of Americans who voted for him based on his signature campaign promise to carry out mass deportations…
Pharisees Accuse Jesus Of Spreading Dangerous Misinformation After He Quotes Scripture
JERUSALEM — Local religious authorities accused Jesus of spreading dangerous misinformation Sunday after the Galilean preacher quoted Scripture during a public teaching, prompting an emergency meeting among Pharisee leaders concerned…
Greg Abbott Wondering If He Spent Too Much Time Working For Everyone But Texans
AUSTIN, TEXAS — Following his stunning election defeat Tuesday, outgoing Texas Governor Greg Abbott has reportedly begun reviewing his political career and wondering whether he may have spent too much…
Progressive Transplants Confident They Can Ruin Texas Even Faster Than They Ruined California
AUSTIN, TEXAS — Thousands of progressive transplants arriving in Texas from California and other blue states expressed confidence this week that they could turn their new home into an exact…
Newsom Insists California Has No Place For State-Sanctioned Killing Unless It’s Unborn Babies
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA – Declaring that California has no place for state-sanctioned killing, Governor Gavin Newsom announced Thursday that he would commute the death sentences of all 548 inmates on California's…
Trump Mercifully Nukes Texas To Spare Remaining Conservatives From Living Under Democrat Rule
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced Friday that he had reluctantly authorized a nuclear strike on Texas in what he described as a compassionate effort to spare the state's remaining…