Republicans Promise To Protect American Workers By Replacing Them Legally
WASHINGTON — Republicans across the country unveiled a bold new plan Monday to protect American workers from being replaced by foreign labor, assuring voters that while Democrats may replace Americans…
UK Prime Minister Andy Burnham Drops ‘Ham’ From Name To Avoid Offending Muslim Voters
LONDON — Newly installed UK Prime Minister Andy Burnham announced Sunday that he will be dropping the final three letters of his surname in an effort to demonstrate greater cultural…
Trump Adds Another Sticky Note To Refrigerator Reminding Him To Send Out Promised Checks
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump reportedly added another sticky note to the White House refrigerator Friday reminding himself to send out the various checks he has promised Americans, according to…
Biden Tells Black Juror He ‘Ain’t Black’ If He Votes To Convict Lindsay Clancy
PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS — Former President Joe Biden reportedly reached out to the lone Black male juror who voted to convict Lindsay Clancy this week, warning the man that he may…
Ilhan Omar Proposes Renaming 9/11 ‘National Day Of Unspecified Things Happening To Buildings’
WASHINGTON — Rep. Ilhan Omar introduced a resolution Friday proposing that September 11 be officially renamed "National Day Of Unspecified Things Happening To Buildings," arguing that the new designation would…
Indian Man Arrested For Vandalizing Neighborhood By Cleaning It Up
NEW DELHI, INDIA—Local authorities have arrested an Indian man who allegedly vandalized his community on Thursday by going on a malicious, hours-long rampage of picking up trash, sweeping the sidewalks,…
Ron Paul Chains Himself To Treasury To Stop Trump’s $5,000 Dividend
WASHINGTON — Former Congressman Ron Paul returned from retirement Thursday to chain himself to the U.S. Treasury Department in an attempt to prevent President Donald Trump from distributing his proposed…
To Correct Historical Inequity, Mamdani Demands Half The 9/11 Memorial Be Dedicated To The Hijackers
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Addressing escalating friction with victims’ families ahead of the upcoming Ground Zero 9/11 commemoration, Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced a sweeping municipal initiative Wednesday to overhaul…
Female Clancy Jurors Say They Felt ‘Unsafe’ Around Male Holdout Who Kept Insisting Killing Children Should Have Consequences
PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS — Several female jurors who deliberated in the Lindsay Clancy murder trial reportedly said they felt "unsafe" in the jury room after one male juror repeatedly insisted that…
‘Empire Strikes Back’ Scene Redubbed For New York TV: ‘No, I Am Your Non-Gestating Parent’
NEW YORK, NY — The iconic scene from The Empire Strikes Back in which Darth Vader reveals to Luke Skywalker that he is his father has been redubbed for New…
UK Officials Ask Public To Stop Interfering With Government’s Efforts To Ignore The Border
LONDON, UK — British officials are asking members of the public to stop interfering with the government's ongoing efforts to ignore the nation's border, following a chaotic weekend in which…
Mitch McConnell Takes Labor Day Off From Being Dead
WASHINGTON — After working tirelessly around the clock to appear fully deceased since his mysterious hospitalization in mid-June, Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) announced Monday that he would be taking a…