Tim Walz Kisses His Brother To Prove There’s Nothing Weird About Ilhan Omar’s Brother Marriage
ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA – Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz reportedly kissed his own brother during a press conference Thursday in an effort to demonstrate that there was nothing unusual about the controversy…
Mark Carney Taps Newly Arrived Immigrant To Oversee Preservation Of Canadian Identity
OTTAWA, CANADA — Prime Minister Mark Carney announced Tuesday that newly arrived Indian immigrant Gurpreet Harpreet Manpreet Sukhwinder Balwinder Parminder Sandhu Singh has been appointed to lead the Department of…
Lab Mice Replaced After Imported Foreign Mice Work For Less Cheese
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS — A team of biomedical researchers announced Thursday that it had replaced dozens of American lab mice with imported foreign mice willing to participate in experiments for significantly…
FBI Scours Police Blotters For Crimes It Can Pretend It Solved
WASHINGTON — In a bold bid to maintain the illusion of relevance, the FBI has reportedly begun scouring local police blotters across the country for crimes it can pretend it…
Macron Threatens To Punish Rioters By Making Them Remain In France
PARIS, FRANCE — French President Emmanuel Macron issued a stern warning to the violent rioters this week currently burning major metropolitan centers across the Republic, threatening to impose the harshest…
Pfizer Says Reports Of Side Effects Distract From Vaccine’s Positive Impact On Profits
NEW YORK — Pfizer executives expressed frustration that persistent reports of COVID vaccine side effects were distracting the public from the pharmaceutical giant's otherwise impressive financial performance, urging Americans to…
Awkward Moment As Ilhan Omar Starts Flirting With Undercover James O’Keefe Disguised As Her Brother
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA — Investigative journalist James O'Keefe reportedly found himself in an unexpectedly uncomfortable situation this week after going undercover as one of Rep. Ilhan Omar's alleged brothers in an…
Mark Carney Calls Newsom For Advice On How To Rig Alberta’s Election
OTTAWA, CANADA — With Alberta voters heading to the polls to decide whether to begin the process of separating from Canada, Prime Minister Mark Carney reportedly placed an urgent, late-night…
Macron Worried Britain Destroying Itself Faster Than France
PARIS, FRANCE — French President Emmanuel Macron reportedly grew concerned Monday that the British government led by Prime Minister Andy Burnham was beginning to outpace him in the race to…
Newsom Demands Californians Take Accountability For Their Decision To Elect Him
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA – With California residents once again struggling to contain devastating wildfires sweeping across the state, Governor Gavin Newsom called on Californians Sunday to take accountability for their decision…
Trump Hires New Attractive Blonde Press Secretary ‘Stephanie Miller’
WASHINGTON — Citing the need to maintain the administration's signature aesthetic following the abrupt firing of former Press Secretary Katie Zacharia, President Donald Trump announced Friday the hiring of attractive…
India Seeks Public’s Help Identifying Serial Killer Suspected Of Killing 300,000 People
NEW DELHI, INDIA — Indian authorities appealed to the public Thursday for assistance in identifying a suspected serial killer believed to be responsible for approximately 300,000 deaths over the past…