Mark Carney Caves On Tariffs After Trump Threatens To Return Ted Cruz To Canada
OTTAWA, CANADA — Prime Minister Mark Carney abruptly caved on Canada's retaliatory tariffs against the United States Sunday after President Donald Trump threatened to return Canadian-born Sen. Ted Cruz to…
Texas Longhorn Forced To Sell Itself On Street Corner After Losing Job To Cheaper Foreign Cattle
FORT WORTH, TEXAS — A Texas Longhorn who spent years preparing for a respectable career in the American beef industry has reportedly been forced onto a street corner to sell itself…
Lindsay Clancy Supporters Erect 40-Foot Bronze Altar To Moloch Outside Courthouse
PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS — The plaza outside the Plymouth County Courthouse took on a distinctively ancient, yet deeply therapeutic atmosphere Friday morning as supporters of Lindsay Clancy unveiled a brand new, 40-foot bronze…
Harry And Meghan Demand Privacy During Nationwide Publicity Tour To Announce Their Return To Britain
LONDON, UK — In a desperate bid to finally be left alone, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have launched a massive, highly publicized 47-city nationwide tour across the United Kingdom…
Kash Patel Lures Eric Swalwell Out Of Hiding By Dressing As Chinese Prostitute
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA — After weeks of struggling to locate former Rep. Eric Swalwell, FBI Director Kash Patel resorted to an unconventional undercover operation Wednesday by disguising himself as a…
North Korea Fears Trump’s Compliments Have Ruined Its Terrifying Dictatorship Reputation
PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA — North Korean officials expressed growing concern Tuesday that President Donald Trump’s recent compliments have seriously damaged the country’s carefully cultivated reputation as one of the world’s…
UK Solves Migrant Rape Epidemic By Declaring Entire Country A ‘Rape-Free Zone’
LONDON, UK — Following a shocking surge in violent crime and assaults across the country, the UK Labour government has announced a brilliant, foolproof solution by passing emergency legislation declaring…
Mark Carney Awards Himself ‘Employee Of The Year’
OTTAWA, CANADA — Prime Minister Mark Carney was honored with the prestigious "Employee of the Year" award this week after conducting an exhaustive review of all employees at the federal…
Man Tries To Impress Date By Filling SUV With Premium Gas
PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA — A local man reportedly attempted to impress his date Friday night by filling his SUV with premium gasoline, a lavish gesture he described as the kind of thing…
AOC Weeps Outside Empty Minnesota Daycare Over Thousands Of Imaginary Somali Children Being Deported
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA — During an emotional press conference Friday outside an empty Minnesota daycare center, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) broke down in tears, mourning the deportation of thousands of Somali…
AOC Breaks Up With Fiancé, Gently Suggests They Should ‘Both See Other Men’
WASHINGTON — In a bittersweet end to a long-term political romance, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) has broken up with her fiancé Riley Roberts, telling her college sweetheart that it was…
Newsom Spotted Committing Crimes In Florida To Sabotage DeSantis’ Record-Low Crime Rate
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA — Florida authorities were reportedly baffled Wednesday after Governor Gavin Newsom was spotted committing a bizarre series of crimes across the state, only to discover that the California…