SILVER SPRING, MARYLAND– In a major win for abortion rights advocates, the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has allowed patients to order real doctors through the mail so that abortions can now be carried out within the comfort of their own home while watching Netflix and shooting up meth.
In an effort to circumvent strict anti-abortion laws in states like Texas, the FDA came up with the idea of just boxing up physicians inside discreet packages and then sending them to pregnant women’s homes so they can murder their unborn whenever they like.
“We couldn’t in good conscience let all those poor pregnant women miss out on the thrills of taking another individual’s life,” said FDA spokesperson Asesino de Bebés as he handed a mail order doctor a metal hanger. “Which is why I’m pleased to announce the great news that we’ve found a way around the stringent anti-abortion laws so that the mutilations will proceed as planned.”
Various organizations such as the ACLU and ADL praised the efforts of the FDA to find new ways to keep the Moloch-sacrificing procedures going and promised to do everything within their own power to stop the anti-Semitic abortion laws from spreading across the United States.
“The anti-abortion laws in states like Texas are rooted in white supremacy and anti-Semitic bigotry,” said Alan Fishbein of the Anti Defamation League to CNN reporters. “The only way we can curb the rise of ubiquitous white supremacy is to allow abortions to continue. Anyone who opposes abortion is a racist white supremacist. Did we mention that only white supremacists are against abortion?”
