WASHINGTON– Chinese spy Christine Fang broke up with her American boyfriend Eric Swalwell over the summer due to his excessive flatulence, saying that she could no longer put her health in jeopardy by inundating her lungs with his noxious methane gas.
Security concerns were raised recently after it was revealed that Democratic Congressman Eric Swalwell (D-Calif.) was having an intimate relationship with a spy for communist China, surprising the entire world who thought the putrid politician was gay.
Fang wanted to set the record straight on why she ended her 3-year romance with the fancy-boy Swalwell, who news media outlets had assumed was receiving top secret information in exchange for crazy Asian fetish sex.
“I am here to set the record straight,” Fang wrote in a series of consecutive tweets once news broke that she ended her relationship due to spying. “I did not break up with Eric because I got caught spying, but rather I grew tired of vomiting every day after having hours of fart fetish sex with that environmentally unfriendly American man.
“Eric’s a hypocrite. He preaches about saving the environment, yet he constantly pollutes the air with his foul anal wind.”
The young Chinese spy went on to say that she would rather face certain death from the enraged government of China than spend another second inhaling the toxic odor that emanated out of Swalwell’s backside.
“I cannot in good faith continue to spy for China while putting my life and health at risk from Eric’s poisonous methane vapors. I will gladly face the wrath of President Xi before I have to smell one more fart out of Eric’s buttocks.”
The distraught Fang apologized to her family for being a failure at spying, but stated that no mere mortal can withstand the stagnate stench of Swalwell long enough to extract any pertinent information for the good of China.
