Fox News Calls Los Angeles Mayor Race For Karen Bass After One Vote Counted
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Stating that the mathematical modeling was simply too conclusive to ignore, the Fox News Decision Desk officially projected Tuesday morning that Democrat Karen Bass will…
White British Man Arrested Posthumously For Insensitivity Toward Immigrant Assailant
LONDON, UK — Praising the swift and decisive action of their officers, the Metropolitan Police announced that they have posthumously arrested a local 46-year-old stabbing victim on charges of "aggravated…
California Investigating Smokey Bear For Agreeing With Trump’s Advice To ‘Just Rake The Forests’
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA—The California Department of Justice announced that it has launched a multi-agency criminal investigation into Smokey Bear after the beloved public safety mascot was overheard agreeing with President Donald…
Greg Abbott Proudly Announces He Has Finally Secured Enough H-1B Visas To Replace Every Last Worker In Texas
AUSTIN, TEXAS—Standing in front of a massive "Texas First" banner and surrounded by Indian tech moguls, Republican Governor Greg Abbott triumphantly announced that his administration has successfully secured enough H-1B…
California Blocks Wildfire Prevention Project To Preserve Historic Brush Responsible For Previous Wildfires
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — State officials announced this week that a proposed wildfire prevention project has been halted indefinitely after environmental regulators determined that the dense overgrown brush slated for removal…
Dr. Jill Reveals She Treated Biden’s Debate Stroke With Positive Reinforcement And A Sticker Chart
WASHINGTON — Former First Lady Dr. Jill Biden revealed during a recent interview that when she became concerned President Joe Biden may have been suffering a stroke during his disastrous…
Man Wakes From 30-Year Coma, Finds Gas At $400 A Gallon And U.S. ‘Hours Away’ From Iran Peace Deal
BALTIMORE, MARYLAND — Waking up in the year 2056 after three decades in a 30-year coma, local man Gary Hodges was reportedly deeply disappointed to discover that regular unleaded gasoline…
D.C. Swamp Holds Candlelight Vigil For Ousted RINO Republicans
WASHINGTON — In a rare, tearful display of true bipartisan solidarity, thousands of K Street lobbyists, mainstream media anchors, establishment Democrats and Republicans, and career bureaucrats gathered inside of Congress…
Chicago Observes Memorial Day By Honoring Brave Gang Members Who Gave Their Lives Defending The Block
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — As millions of Americans paused Monday to honor the nation’s fallen military heroes, the city of Chicago observed a solemn Memorial Day weekend by paying tribute to…
Mark Carney Honors Obama Visit With Drone Strikes On Canadian Civilians
OTTAWA, CANADA — In a touching diplomatic tribute designed to make the 44th President of the United States feel right at home, Prime Minister Mark Carney welcomed Barack Obama to…
Betrayed Lindsey Graham Accuses Trump Of Cheating On Him With An Iran Peace Deal
WASHINGTON — Wiping away tears as he shredded a romantic, hand-drawn map of Tehran’s critical oil infrastructure, a deeply betrayed Lindsey Graham accused Donald Trump of throwing away everything they…
Rubio Secures Historic Deal Ensuring Indian H-1B Workers Only Replace Americans In Blue States
NEW DELHI, INDIA — Declaring the agreement a massive, unprecedented victory for the American working class, U.S. Secretary of State Marco Rubio announced a monumental trade and labor breakthrough during his…
