Scientists Rediscover Rare White Canadian Species Thought To Be Extinct
BRAMPTON, ONTARIO — In a stunning breakthrough that has captivated the global scientific community, an international team of field researchers has successfully photographed a living, breathing Legacy White Canadian—a localized species…
Mamdani Labels Grocery ID Critics ‘Grocery Fraud Deniers’
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Declaring that democracy begins in the produce aisle, Mayor Mamdani lashed out Monday at critics of his new government grocery store ID requirement, accusing opponents…
CNN Anchor Dana Bash Pauses RFK Jr. Interview To Check Bank App For Pfizer Wire Transfer
WASHINGTON — During a highly combative Sunday morning segment on CNN’s State of the Union, anchor Dana Bash was forced to call an unprecedented, mid-segment time-out to confirm that a…
Trump Asks Siri If He’s Currently At War With Iran
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump paused a meeting inside the Oval Office Saturday morning, pulled out his iPhone, and quietly asked Siri whether the United States was currently at war…
Fauci Bursts Into Flames After Catching Glimpse Of Healthy Unvaccinated Man
WASHINGTON — Panic erupted at the Capitol on Friday after a perfectly healthy, unvaccinated man walked past the congressional building, causing former NIAID director Dr. Anthony Fauci to hiss violently…
Britain Solves Spanish Border Crisis By Dispatching Ferry To Bring Moroccans Directly To The UK
LONDON, UK — Declaring that every international crisis is merely an opportunity to demonstrate British hospitality on someone else's behalf, the UK government announced Friday that it had solved Spain's…
Doctors Say Mitch McConnell Making Steady Recovery From Being Dead
WASHINGTON — In an effort to dispel mounting conspiracy theories regarding the Senator's seven-week disappearance from the public eye, the office of Mitch McConnell released a highly encouraging health update,…
Nervous Fauci Calms Himself By Imagining Rand Paul As A Beagle Getting Bitten By Sandflies
WASHINGTON — Facing another brutal, three-hour interrogation from the House Oversight Committee, a visibly anxious Dr. Anthony Fauci managed to calm his nerves by utilizing a classic public speaking technique…
CNN Warns Mass Haitian Deportations Will Cause Humanitarian Crisis Due To Shortage Of Cats To Eat
ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Following the Supreme Court's recent decision allowing the Trump administration to revoke TPS for over 350,000 Haitian migrants, CNN has issued a dire warning that mass deportations…
Awkward Moment As Zelensky And Netanyahu Simultaneously Reach For Trump’s Wallet
WASHINGTON — What began as a routine diplomatic greeting at the White House reportedly turned awkward Tuesday after Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu simultaneously reached for…
Bombshell Fauci Diary Reveals The Hardest Part Of Fighting COVID Was Fending Off Biden In The Shower
WASHINGTON — After years of stonewalling, the House Oversight Committee finally released Dr. Anthony Fauci’s heavily guarded personal diary, hoping to find the elusive missing link to the Wuhan lab…
James Talarico Tries To Win The Black Vote By Looting Local Shoe Store
HOUSTON, TEXAS — In a desperate bid to salvage his collapsing poll numbers among minority voters, Texas Democratic Senate candidate James Talarico was spotted Sunday afternoon kicking in the glass…
