Keir Starmer Wondering If He’s Still Invited To Next Year’s World Leaders’ Coke Party
LONDON, UK — Pacing the living room of his remarkably quiet home, former Prime Minister Keir Starmer has reportedly spent the last 48 hours staring at his phone, agonizing over…
Lindsay Clancy Jury Deadlocked After Female Jurors Ask To Consult TikTok First
PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS — After spending nearly 18 hours reviewing evidence, listening to more than 80 witnesses and examining more than 300 exhibits, deliberations in the high-profile Lindsay Clancy murder trial…
Progressive Judge Explains That Keeping A Dangerous Criminal Off The Streets Only Solves The Problem Of Public Safety
CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA — A progressive judge explained Monday that keeping a dangerous career criminal behind bars may prevent him from committing additional crimes, but cautioned that this approach would…
UK Police Assure Residents They Have Knife Crime Under Control As Long As They Avoid All Dangerous Areas, People, Activities, And Leaving The House
LONDON, UK — In a highly anticipated press conference inside Scotland Yard, Metropolitan Police officials proudly announced a major victory over the city’s escalating violent crime epidemic, reassuring the public…
Trump Escalates Trade War By Shrinking Canada By 50% On All U.S. Maps
WASHINGTON — In a dramatic escalation in the growing trade war with Canada, President Donald Trump has signed an executive order requiring all U.S. cartographers, textbook publishers, and GPS software companies…
Canada Retaliates Against America By Instructing Border Guards To Aggressively Roll Their Eyes At U.S. Passports
OTTAWA, ONTARIO — Following the sudden collapse of trade negotiations and the imposition of brutal 50% U.S. tariffs on Canadian exports, Canada dramatically escalated its ongoing trade war with the…
India Retaliates Against Visa Pause By Tripling IRS Arrest Warrants And Extended Car Warranty Scam Calls
NEW DELHI, INDIA — India announced Wednesday that it would retaliate against the Trump administration's worldwide pause on immigrant-visa appointments by dramatically increasing the production of IRS arrest warrants, Social…
Man Arrives In Hell To Discover Eternal Torment Is Just Being Followed By Flock Cameras
HELL — A newly damned man arrived in Hell this week expecting the traditional eternal punishment of fire, brimstone, and demonic torture, only to discover that Satan had devised something…
Target Apologizes To Black Community For Racist Clown Costume By Offering 10% Off Next Purchase Of Fried Chicken
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA — Following a nationwide PR disaster, Target executives issued a sweeping apology Monday after the retailer came under fire for selling a children's blacklight clown costume that critics condemned…
Doug Ford Threatens To Punish America By Stopping Ontario From Making Money
TORONTO, ONTARIO — Ontario Premier Doug Ford issued a stern warning to U.S. President Donald Trump on Monday, declaring that if the proposed 50% tariffs go into effect, Ontario is…
Mark Carney Caves On Tariffs After Trump Threatens To Return Ted Cruz To Canada
OTTAWA, CANADA — Prime Minister Mark Carney abruptly caved on Canada's retaliatory tariffs against the United States Sunday after President Donald Trump threatened to return Canadian-born Sen. Ted Cruz to…
Texas Longhorn Forced To Sell Itself On Street Corner After Losing Job To Cheaper Foreign Cattle
FORT WORTH, TEXAS — A Texas Longhorn who spent years preparing for a respectable career in the American beef industry has reportedly been forced onto a street corner to sell itself…
