Republicans Celebrate Amnesty Deal Where Democrats Got Everything And Republicans Pretended To Fight
WASHINGTON — House Republicans held a triumphant press conference Tuesday celebrating what they described as a historic conservative victory after reaching a bipartisan immigration agreement in which Democrats received every…
Keir Starmer Steps Down As Prime Minister To Spend More Time With His Local Grooming Gang
LONDON, UK — Bringing an end to one of the least popular premierships in recent British history, Keir Starmer announced that he would be resigning as Prime Minister in order…
Illegal Alien Learns Olive Garden Has Stricter ID Requirements Than U.S. Elections
ORLANDO, FLORIDA — Saying the experience had left him deeply confused about American priorities, an illegal alien reportedly discovered recently that obtaining Olive Garden's coveted Never-Ending Pasta Pass requires more…
Canada Announces $100 Billion Ukraine Aid Package To Combat Canadian Wildfires
OTTAWA, CANADA — With record wildfires continuing to burn across Canada while thick smoke blankets much of North America, Prime Minister Mark Carney unveiled what officials called its most ambitious…
FDA Approves Taco Bell As New Weight-Loss Drug
SILVER SPRING, MARYLAND — In a landmark decision for the American diet industry, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced that it has officially approved Taco Bell as the nation's…
Gavin Newsom Teaches Mark Carney How To Blame Wildfires On Trump While Cutting Firefighting Budgets
OTTAWA, CANADA — With wildfires once again spreading across Canada and toxic smoke drifting into the United States, California Governor Gavin Newsom personally arrived in a smoke-choked Ottawa this week…
UK Police Detain Suspicious Man For Going Entire Week Without Being Stabbed
LONDON, UK — The Metropolitan Police confirmed that officers have arrested a local man after investigators discovered he had managed to go an entire seven consecutive days without being stabbed,…
EU Solves Objectification Of Female Athletes By Mandating Progressive, Full-Body Burkas
BRUSSELS — Building upon recent European Broadcasting Union guidelines aimed at eliminating the sexualization of women in sports, the European Union announced that it has definitively solved the issue of…
Mayor Mamdani Condemns Church Arsonists For Not Using Halal Matches
NEW YORK—Responding to yet another church fire this week, Mayor Mamdani held a solemn press conference Tuesday to condemn what he described as the deeply irresponsible decision by the alleged…
Mark Carney Celebrates Grocery Inflation Slowdown After Canadians Can No Longer Afford Groceries
OTTAWA — Touting a massive economic victory for the middle class, Prime Minister Mark Carney held a celebratory press conference to announce that Canada’s runaway grocery inflation has slowed significantly,…
Raytheon, Lockheed Martin Lower Flags To Half-Mast For Top Salesman Lindsey Graham
ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA — Defense contractors across the country entered an official period of mourning after the passing of longtime Senator Lindsey Graham, whom executives affectionately remembered as the greatest salesman…
Bigfoot Researchers Believe They Have Captured Rare Footage Of Wild Mitch McConnell
KENTUCKY — A team of veteran Bigfoot researchers announced this week they may have made the most significant cryptozoological discovery in modern history after accidentally capturing what experts believe is…
