HOLLYWOOD– Coming off of Kate Winslet’s BAFTA awards speech in May where she called for more censorship on social media, celebrities of all shapes and colors have come together and asked Congress to start executing people who post extremely mean things online that hurt their feelings or ruin their agenda.
As everyone knows by now, most celebrities are superior to the common man in all aspects of life, including intelligence, physical strength, and other superhuman capabilities. According to these godlike famous people, we must listen to what they have to say because the rest of society is too stupid to figure things out on their own.
“Yo, we, um, like, must stop all those bad posts online that are, uh, not nice and kind of mean,” said Ariana Grande while chasing her ponytail around in circles. “That’s like, why me and my totally superior celebs are asking those Congress peoples to pass, like, a law or something, that would execute anyone online who says my crib’s only got twenty bedrooms when all y’all know it’s got way more, like maybe fifteen.”
Other celebrities such as Judd Apatow and Hailey Beiber have said that the execution of the mean social media posters is not enough and they should face even stricter penalties, such as making the corpse sit through one of their movies or listen to one of their songs on loop.
China’s President Xi Jinping praised the celebrities for their authoritarian tactics and promised to send them to his concentration camps last once he fully takes over the United States.
