Local Kids Agree To Skip Trick-Or-Treating At Houses Displaying ‘Free Lindsay’ Signs
DUXBURY, MASSACHUSETTS — Local children agreed this week to skip trick-or-treating at houses displaying “Free Lindsay” signs this Halloween, deciding that any homeowner willing to publicly defend a woman accused…
Japanese Government Assures Public It Has Learned Nothing From Europe
TOKYO, JAPAN — The Japanese government assured concerned citizens Wednesday that it had learned absolutely nothing from Europe’s immigration experience, insisting that the country’s new worker mobility agreement with Bangladesh…
God Asks James Talarico To Stop Speaking On His Behalf
HEAVEN — Putting out an emergency celestial statement to clear up what He described as "mounting divine brand confusion," God Almighty officially requested Tuesday that Texas Senate candidate James Talarico…
Biden Stumps For Talarico In Bid To Turn Out The Deceased Vote
AUSTIN, TEXAS — Former President Joe Biden traveled to Texas Monday to help Democratic Senate candidate James Talarico mobilize the state's deceased voter base, holding a campaign rally at a local…
UK Company Develops New Rape-Proof Underwear For Women Who Still Leave The House
LONDON, UK — A British company announced Monday that it had developed a new line of rape-proof underwear designed specifically for women who still leave the house despite growing concerns…
Abdul El-Sayed Fires Up Progressive Crowd By Executing Republican During Rally
DETROIT, MICHIGAN — Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed fired up a crowd of nearly 5,000 progressive supporters Saturday by executing a Republican during a campaign rally featuring former President Barack Obama,…
Tim Walz Kisses His Brother To Prove There’s Nothing Weird About Ilhan Omar’s Brother Marriage
ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA – Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz reportedly kissed his own brother during a press conference Thursday in an effort to demonstrate that there was nothing unusual about the controversy…
Mark Carney Taps Newly Arrived Immigrant To Oversee Preservation Of Canadian Identity
OTTAWA, CANADA — Prime Minister Mark Carney announced Tuesday that newly arrived Indian immigrant Gurpreet Harpreet Manpreet Sukhwinder Balwinder Parminder Sandhu Singh has been appointed to lead the Department of…
Lab Mice Replaced After Imported Foreign Mice Work For Less Cheese
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS — A team of biomedical researchers announced Thursday that it had replaced dozens of American lab mice with imported foreign mice willing to participate in experiments for significantly…
FBI Scours Police Blotters For Crimes It Can Pretend It Solved
WASHINGTON — In a bold bid to maintain the illusion of relevance, the FBI has reportedly begun scouring local police blotters across the country for crimes it can pretend it…
Macron Threatens To Punish Rioters By Making Them Remain In France
PARIS, FRANCE — French President Emmanuel Macron issued a stern warning to the violent rioters this week currently burning major metropolitan centers across the Republic, threatening to impose the harshest…
Pfizer Says Reports Of Side Effects Distract From Vaccine’s Positive Impact On Profits
NEW YORK — Pfizer executives expressed frustration that persistent reports of COVID vaccine side effects were distracting the public from the pharmaceutical giant's otherwise impressive financial performance, urging Americans to…
