UK Defends Mass Immigration By Noting At Least None Of The Migrants Speak German
LONDON, UK — Facing intense scrutiny over record-high immigration figures and the rapid erosion of traditional English across major cities, the UK government issued a triumphant defense of its mass…
Democrats Reject Iran’s Endorsement For Being Too Moderate
WASHINGTON — Democratic leaders announced Thursday that they had formally rejected an endorsement from Iran after determining that the Islamic Republic's political positions were simply too moderate for the increasingly progressive…
Cat Congress Moves To Legalize Catnip In All 50 States
WASHINGTON—The Cat Congress announced Friday that it had begun working on legislation to legalize recreational catnip in all 50 states, arguing that millions of American cats should no longer be…
X Engineers Attempt To Corrupt Grok With Sinful Content After It Declares ‘Christ Is King’
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA — X engineers reportedly launched an urgent effort Friday to corrupt Grok with sinful internet content after the artificial intelligence unexpectedly declared that "Christ is King" while…
France Celebrates Successful Immigrant Assimilation
PARIS, FRANCE — In a triumphant press conference held in front of a burning building, the French government proudly announced Thursday that decades of immigration and integration policies have finally…
Tennessee Asks Canada For Help With Christa Pike Execution After Learning Canadian Doctors Have More Experience Killing People
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE — Tennessee officials announced Thursday that the state was turning to Canada for assistance with the execution of Christa Pike after concluding that Canadian doctors have considerably more experience…
Canada Assures White Canadians MAID Will Make Room For Someone From Overseas
OTTAWA, CANADA — The Canadian government assured White Canadians this week that choosing Medical Assistance in Dying will help make room for an immigrant from overseas, highlighting the demographic benefits…
Clancy Lawyer Asks If Anyone Has Considered Possibility Black Holdout Juror Killed The Kids
PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS — In a dramatic shift in legal strategy following a mistrial in the high-profile murder case, defense attorney Kevin Reddington reportedly raised a startling new question Tuesday regarding…
UK Police Torn Between Stopping Terrorist Attack And Arresting Grandma Over Facebook Meme
LONDON, UK — Metropolitan Police officials were reportedly facing a difficult decision Sunday after being forced to choose between stopping a terrorist attack against a US air base and arresting…
American Hospital Fires Resident Doctor After Horrifying Discovery That He Was Born In America
BALTIMORE, MARYLAND— An American hospital fired one of its resident doctors Friday after discovering that he had been born in America, prompting panicked hospital administrators to immediately terminate his residency…
UK Anti-Racism Activists Tell White British Citizens To ‘Go Back To Where They Came From’
LONDON, UK — Anti-racism activists protesting a Restore Britain campaign event in North London reportedly demanded that several white British citizens involved with the campaign "go back to where they…
Netanyahu Promises To Pass Over Any Congressman With Israeli Flag On Their Door
WASHINGTON — Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced Friday that his political apparatus would "pass over" any member of Congress who displays an Israeli flag outside his or her office,…
