Britain Solves Spanish Border Crisis By Dispatching Ferry To Bring Moroccans Directly To The UK
LONDON, UK — Declaring that every international crisis is merely an opportunity to demonstrate British hospitality on someone else's behalf, the UK government announced Friday that it had solved Spain's…
Doctors Say Mitch McConnell Making Steady Recovery From Being Dead
WASHINGTON — In an effort to dispel mounting conspiracy theories regarding the Senator's seven-week disappearance from the public eye, the office of Mitch McConnell released a highly encouraging health update,…
Nervous Fauci Calms Himself By Imagining Rand Paul As A Beagle Getting Bitten By Sandflies
WASHINGTON — Facing another brutal, three-hour interrogation from the House Oversight Committee, a visibly anxious Dr. Anthony Fauci managed to calm his nerves by utilizing a classic public speaking technique…
CNN Warns Mass Haitian Deportations Will Cause Humanitarian Crisis Due To Shortage Of Cats To Eat
ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Following the Supreme Court's recent decision allowing the Trump administration to revoke TPS for over 350,000 Haitian migrants, CNN has issued a dire warning that mass deportations…
Awkward Moment As Zelensky And Netanyahu Simultaneously Reach For Trump’s Wallet
WASHINGTON — What began as a routine diplomatic greeting at the White House reportedly turned awkward Tuesday after Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu simultaneously reached for…
Bombshell Fauci Diary Reveals The Hardest Part Of Fighting COVID Was Fending Off Biden In The Shower
WASHINGTON — After years of stonewalling, the House Oversight Committee finally released Dr. Anthony Fauci’s heavily guarded personal diary, hoping to find the elusive missing link to the Wuhan lab…
James Talarico Tries To Win The Black Vote By Looting Local Shoe Store
HOUSTON, TEXAS — In a desperate bid to salvage his collapsing poll numbers among minority voters, Texas Democratic Senate candidate James Talarico was spotted Sunday afternoon kicking in the glass…
German Leaders Praise Terrorist Suspect For Ramming Pride Attendees Rather Than Throwing Them Off Rooftops
BERLIN, GERMANY — In a stunning display of progressive optimism following Saturday’s deadly vehicle ramming at the Berlin Pride parade, German officials held a press conference to publicly commend 21-year-old…
Larry The Cat Caught Carrying Giant Rat Out Of Downing Street By The Scruff Of Its Neck
LONDON, UK — Onlookers gathered outside 10 Downing Street erupted into applause after Britain's famous Chief Mouser, Larry the Cat, slowly emerged from the famous black door, dragging a heavy,…
Ilhan Omar Argues Embezzling $250 Million Was Victimless Crime Since Kids Were Made Up Anyway
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA — Standing before a crowded press pool on Friday, Representative Ilhan Omar offered a forceful defense of the associates and family members implicated in the staggering $250 million…
GoFundMe Launched For Financially Struggling Elon Musk After Net Worth Falls Below $1 Trillion
AUSTIN, TEXAS — In response to Elon Musk's heartbreaking fall below the trillionaire threshold, compassionate supporters have launched a GoFundMe campaign to help the financially struggling billionaire get back on…
RFK Jr. Discovered Sleeping Upside Down On White House Ceiling To Improve Circulation
WASHINGTON — White House officials confirmed that Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (RFK Jr.) has been routinely sleeping upside down by his ankles on the Oval…
