Elves Hold Intervention For Santa Claus After He Becomes Addicted To Ozempic
NORTH POLE-- After beloved Santa Claus lost a massive amount of weight quickly and began getting frail from taking too much of the weight-loss drug Ozempic, Santa's elves started worrying…
Trudeau Wears Blackface So He Can Call Anyone Who Asks Him To Resign ‘A Racist’
OTTAWA, CANADA-- As calls for his resignation continue to mount, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau decided to wear blackface once again so that he can call anyone who asks him…
Mexican Cartels Throw Retirement Party For Retiring Employee Biden
U.S.-- With less than a month before Joe Biden leaves office, a group of Mexican cartels got together recently to throw a surprise retirement party for the president as a…
Sad: Every Time Democrats Call Elon ‘President Musk’ Kamala Reminded How She Lost Election To Trump
WASHINGTON-- In an effort to get under Donald Trump's skin, Democrats have come up with a new strategy of calling Elon Musk "President Musk." Unfortunately, the new tactic has gotten…
Gavin Newsom Issues New Poop-Scented Masks So You Can Still Smell California While Masked Up
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA-- After declaring a state of emergency over rising cases of bird flu, Governor Gavin Newsom has announced that he will be issuing all-new poop-scented disposable masks to state…
Shooter Luigi Mangione Panicking After Jim Cramer Predicts He’ll Be Found Not Guilty And Released
U.S.-- In yet another controversial prediction, CNBC Mad Money host Jim Cramer has predicted that UnitedHealthcare CEO murder suspect Luigi Mangione will definitely not get sent to prison and will…
Biden Offers ‘10% Off Pardons’ Christmas Deal
WASHINGTON-- Outgoing President Joe Biden has been giving out a lot of pardons lately and has recently offered a limited time Christmas deal to all those individuals who are frightened…
As Part Of ABC Defamation Lawsuit Settlement, George Stephanopoulos Must Do The Trump Dance Before Every Broadcast
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK-- As part of an ABC defamation lawsuit settlement with President-Elect Donald Trump, a judge has ordered the network to pay $15 million as well as…
Nancy Pelosi Recovering Rapidly After Receiving 80 Proof Vodka IV Drip
LUXEMBOURG-- After being rushed to a hospital yesterday due to dangerously low alcohol levels, former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was said to be recovering quite rapidly after she…
Dream Big: Former McDonald’s Fry Cook, Garbage Man Named TIME’s ‘Person Of The Year’
U.S.-- America is known as the land of opportunity, and one former McDonald's worker and trash man named Donald Trump has achieved success and has even been recently given the…
‘I’m Perfectly Capable Of Doing My Job,’ Blinks Mitch McConnell In Morse Code From An ICU Hospital Bed
WASHINGTON-- After suffering yet another fall, a visibly unwell Senator Mitch McConnell stared blankly ahead and blinked in Morse code that he was perfectly fine and still capable of doing…
Trump Installs Dog Door On Front Of Mar-A-Lago Entrance For Whenever Trudeau Visits
PALM BEACH, FLORIDA-- In anticipation for whenever Justin Trudeau comes to the United States, President-Elect Donald Trump had a cute, little doggie door installed on the front door of his…
