Newsom Insists California Has No Place For State-Sanctioned Killing Unless It’s Unborn Babies
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA – Declaring that California has no place for state-sanctioned killing, Governor Gavin Newsom announced Thursday that he would commute the death sentences of all 548 inmates on California's…
Trump Mercifully Nukes Texas To Spare Remaining Conservatives From Living Under Democrat Rule
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced Friday that he had reluctantly authorized a nuclear strike on Texas in what he described as a compassionate effort to spare the state's remaining…
Embarrassing: Democrat Operative Drops Off Fake Ballots After Election Already Called
RIVERSIDE, CALIFORNIA — In an embarrassing mix-up that election officials are calling an unfortunate failure of communication, a Democrat operative reportedly dropped off several boxes of fake ballots early Wednesday…
Republicans Celebrate Losing Power After Exhausting Two Years Of Not Using It
WASHINGTON — Gathering for a joyful post-election celebration on Capitol Hill, Republican lawmakers celebrated a major political victory Wednesday after losing control of Congress in sweeping midterm defeats, expressing relief that…
Abdul El-Sayed Assures LGBTQ Voters Muslims Throwing Gays Off Roofs Is Just A Cultural Difference
DETROIT, MICHIGAN — Michigan Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed moved Wednesday to reassure LGBTQ voters that reports of gay people being thrown off rooftops by Islamist extremists should not be viewed…
Anakin Skywalker Loses Jedi Master Position To Less Qualified Diversity Hires
CORUSCANT — Anakin Skywalker, widely regarded as one of the most powerful and talented Jedi in the galaxy, was passed over for promotion to Jedi Master this week after the…
CNN Denies Allegations It Has Been Reporting Real News
ATLANTA, GEORGIA – CNN executives and on-air personalities vehemently denied allegations Monday that the network has been reporting real news, calling the accusations “deeply offensive” and demanding that viewers stop…
Canada Adds Conservatism To List Of Conditions Eligible For MAID
OTTAWA, CANADA — In a landmark update to federal healthcare policy, the Canadian government announced Sunday that it was expanding eligibility for Medical Assistance in Dying (MAID) to include conservatism,…
Liberal Asks Children If They Support Trump Before Giving Them Candy
PORTLAND, OREGON — Local liberal woman Karen Mitchell reportedly spent Halloween evening questioning neighborhood children about their political beliefs before allowing them to receive candy, asking each trick-or-treater whether they…
Kamala Harris Sees Four Dan Sullivans On Alaska Ballot
WASHINGTON – Former Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly spotted four separate Dan Sullivans on Alaska's Senate ballot this week, expressing confusion over why election officials were only acknowledging the existence of…
Newsom Accuses Trump Of Trying To Steal Elections Democrats Are Trying To Steal
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA – California Governor Gavin Newsom accused President Donald Trump Thursday of attempting to steal elections that Democrats were already trying to steal, warning that the president's interference threatened…
Iran Considers Allowing Women To Smile In Private Provided No Men Can See Them
TEHRAN, IRAN — Iranian authorities announced Thursday that they were considering a landmark proposal to allow women to smile in the privacy of their own homes, provided no men were…
