AOC Calls Raid On Ilhan Omar’s Home An Attack On The Environment
WASHINGTON — Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) condemned the federal raid on Rep. Ilhan Omar’s home Monday as an environmental catastrophe, warning that the Trump administration’s use of toxic chemicals against…
Fitness Influencer Up All Night Practicing Outraged Reaction For Upcoming TikTok Video
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — Fitness influencer Madison Blake reportedly spent the entire night Tuesday practicing increasingly outraged facial expressions and hand gestures in front of her bathroom mirror in preparation…
Federal Agents Discover Ilhan Omar Hiding Brother Under Her Headscarf
WASHINGTON — Federal agents searching Rep. Ilhan Omar’s home during a pre-dawn raid reportedly discovered an unexpected additional occupant hiding inside the congresswoman’s headscarf, prompting investigators to expand their search…
Democrats Assure Voters James Talarico Is Perfectly Normal By Democratic Party Standards
AUSTIN, TEXAS — Democratic Party officials moved to reassure concerned voters that Texas Senate candidate James Talarico was perfectly normal by Democratic Party standards, insisting that his unusual public statements,…
Zelensky’s Wife Walks In On Him Playing Piano Again
KYIV, UKRAINE — Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky was reportedly caught in another embarrassing encounter with his piano Friday after his wife, Olena Zelenska, walked into a room and discovered him…
Britain Offers Nidal Hasan Free Housing, Cash, And Healthcare Instead Of Firing Squad
LONDON, UK — Expressing deep moral horror at the U.S. military’s decision to execute convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan by firing squad, the British government has formally requested the…
Microsoft Boasts ‘Most Inclusive Workplace’ After Replacing Americans With Indians From Two Entirely Different Upper Castes
REDMOND, WASHINGTON — Following the quiet termination of its last remaining American-born software engineer, Microsoft proudly announced that it had achieved an unprecedented level of workplace diversity after successfully recruiting…
Minnesota Democrats Warn Stopping ISIS Terror Plots Could Threaten Thriving Somali Fraud Economy
ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA — In the wake of an FBI operation that thwarted an ISIS-inspired mass shooting plot at the Mall of America, Minnesota Democrats held an emergency joint press…
Tim Walz Announces New Equity Initiative To Bring Greater Racial Diversity To Somali Gun Violence
ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA — Following a series of increasingly violent Somali gang shootings across Minnesota, Gov. Tim Walz announced Wednesday the launch of a groundbreaking new equity initiative designed to…
Iran Applies For Permit To Nuke Los Angeles
TEHRAN, IRAN — Following President Donald Trump’s controversial suggestion that Iran could "take out" Los Angeles or San Diego during a rally in Nebraska Monday, Iranian officials announced Tuesday that…
Montana Governor Celebrates Historic India Partnership By Agreeing To Flood State With Indian Immigrants
HELENA, MONTANA — In what his office is hailing as an unprecedented victory for the economy, Montana Governor Greg Gianforte announced a historic trade deal with India today, under which…
Russia Assures World Escaped Plague Bacteria Will Die Out After Killing Everyone
MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Russian officials assured the international community Monday that there was no reason to panic over reports of the deadly escaped pneumonic plague bacteria, explaining that the organisms were…
