DANDER, MICHIGAN–A three year old short-haired cat died suddenly today from overdosing on a large amount of tainted catnip that he had purchased from a local catnip dealer in an alleyway off of Main Street in the Feline District of Dander.<\/p>\n
According to police, the victim Meowser escaped through a\u00a0dog door of\u00a0his owners home on Tinkle Avenue where he\u00a0made his way over to a seedier part of Main Street to meet up with a known catnip and meth dealer named Scratches.<\/p>\n
“Meowser was seen multiple times in the vicinity of known high catnip areas,” Dander Chief of police Jeff Holmes told reporters in front of the alleyway where a stiff Meowser was being shoved into a black trash-bag. “According to witnesses, the victim was seen purchasing a small baggie of what was presumed to be catnip in an effort to get high, but apparently the drug was laced with a substance that felines are allergic to. We sent a sample of the catnip to our lab, but we’ll have to wait for toxicology reports to come back to verify what the substance is that killed Meowser.<\/p>\n
“Our crime lab surmises that the catnip was cut with lilies,” Holmes added, shocking even the hard-nosed officer. “Our\u00a0veterinarian on duty has informed us that felines have a low tolerance for lilies, so any high dosages injected right into the bloodstream would prove fatal.”<\/p>\n
A memorial service for Meowser is planned for next Thursday at 9 AM in the Dander city trash pit where Meowser’s corpse will be chucked into a trash heap for hungry seagulls to rip apart.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
DANDER, MICHIGAN–A three year old short-haired cat died suddenly today from overdosing on a large amount of tainted catnip that he had purchased from a local catnip dealer in an alleyway off of Main Street in the Feline District of Dander. According to police, the victim Meowser escaped through a\u00a0dog door of\u00a0his owners home on […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":441,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[17],"tags":[74,1150,35,869,655,43,84,1114],"class_list":["post-440","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-u-s-news","tag-cat","tag-catnip","tag-dead","tag-drug","tag-drug-overdose","tag-medical","tag-police","tag-rated-pg"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/440","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=440"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/440\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/441"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=440"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=440"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=440"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}