ATLANTA, GEORGIA \u2014 Following the Supreme Court’s recent decision allowing the Trump administration to revoke TPS for over 350,000 Haitian migrants, CNN has issued a dire warning that mass deportations will spark an unprecedented global crisis, as the island nation of Haiti currently suffers from a catastrophic shortage of domestic house cats for the migrants to eat.<\/p>\n
“This is just another horrifying example of Donald Trump’s cruelty,” a somber Jake Tapper stated during a prime-time special on the impending deportations. “Experts project that if these hundreds of thousands of migrants are forced to return to Port-au-Prince, they will immediately face a devastating famine. Unlike the rich, plentiful suburbs of Springfield, Ohio, Haiti simply lacks the robust infrastructure of stray calicos, indoor-outdoor tabbies, and neighborhood poodles required to sustain their dietary needs.”<\/p>\n
CNN Senior Humanitarian Analyst Jim Acosta joined the broadcast live from an animal shelter to further criticize the White House’s total lack of supply-chain foresight.<\/p>\n
“What we are seeing here is cold-hearted, xenophobic carelessness,” Acosta reported while gesturing to a cage of meowing kittens. “The Trump administration spent zero time calculating the per-capita stray cat ratio in Haiti before revoking Temporary Protected Status. When you deport hundreds of thousands of people to a country with only a few thousand homeless tabbies and virtually no unattended Golden Retrievers, you create a humanitarian catastrophe of historic proportions.”<\/p>\n
To provide further context, the network hosted a panel of left-wing sociologists and “cultural cuisine” experts to explain that denying migrants access to other people’s beloved pets is an egregious violation of international human rights law.<\/p>\n