SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA \u2014 In a press conference aimed at silencing right-wing critics, Governor Gavin Newsom announced today that violent crime in California has plummeted by an astonishing 31%, revealing the statistics were rigorously vetted and certified by the prestigious independent auditors from the now shuttered Minnesota “Quality Learing Center.”<\/p>\n
According to the Governor’s office, the state paid the Somali experts from the Quality Learing Center daycare $15 million in emergency taxpayer funds to audit the crime stats.<\/p>\n
“For months, people have accused my administration of cooking the books and ignoring the realities of our streets,” Newsom declared confidently, with one of the Somali auditors standing behind him. “That is why I bypassed the state Department of Justice entirely and sought out the most creative, unburdened mathematical minds in the country. And no one knows how to make numbers disappear quite like the brilliant staff who worked at the Quality Learing Center.”<\/p>\n
The Governor also hinted that he may soon be releasing additional ‘verified’ statistics from other independent sources, including a fraudulent Los Angeles hospice facility that specializes in auditing dead people, and a senior executive at the Homeless Services Authority who can currently only account for 20% of his own spreadsheets.<\/p>\n