BRUSSELS \u2014 In a globally televised press conference Sunday morning, top officials from the European Union issued a formal, tearful apology to a local car-ramming terrorist suspect, expressing their deepest regrets for the extensive front-end damage his rented vehicle sustained after it collided with several dozen aggressively stationary pedestrians.<\/p>\n
The statement addressed the unfortunate and micro-aggressive dents left on the suspect’s vehicle in Saturday’s high-speed vehicular incident on a crowded pedestrian zone, who had been minding his own business driving down a sidewalk until it was rudely obstructed by soft-bodied pedestrians.<\/p>\n
“We are profoundly sorry for the trauma inflicted upon your vehicle\u2019s front bumper,” said EU President Ursula von der Leyen to the terrorist, tearing up while looking into the camera, “which was subjected to multiple unauthorized impacts by the skulls and torsos of European citizens.<\/p>\n
“This young immigrant was operating a heavy vehicle under immense emotional stress, only to have his trajectory repeatedly interrupted by inconsiderate morning commuters who refused to move out of the way. Perhaps that elderly woman who failed to yield to his car will rethink her White privilege.”<\/p>\n