U.S. \u2014 A wave of unprecedented anxiety is sweeping through the nation as millions of dogs and cats across the United States are reportedly living in a state of constant fear and anxiety following Congress\u2019s vote this week to extend Temporary Protected Status to Haitian immigrants, effectively shielding them from deportation.<\/p>\n
While the move was hailed by human rights advocates as a victory for the Haitians, the nation\u2019s pets are reportedly viewing the legislation as a gastronomic death warrant, with frantic calls flooding animal shelters and veterinarians.<\/p>\n
“We saw these people eating cats and dogs in broad daylight,” said Mr. Whiskers, a tabby cat from Dayton who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of being eaten. “And now Congress just voted to keep them here permanently? I have nine lives, but I\u2019d like to keep at least four of them.”<\/p>\n
Many pets have begun taking matters into their own paws, including a group of German Shepherds that started a “Neighborhood Watch” program to bark at any human carrying a large bag and who smells vaguely of Caribbean spices.<\/p>\n
“I’ll be damned if I’m going to be on somebody’s menu,” said Barnaby, a five-year-old Golden Retriever residing in Florida. “Every time I look at a bottle of hot sauce I see my life flashing before my eyes.”<\/p>\n