WASHINGTON– Congress members reportedly erupted into jealous outrage this week after federal investigators revealed that Minnesota-based Somali fraud networks managed to steal billions of dollars in public funds with a level of efficiency, creativity, and consequence-free elegance lawmakers on Capitol Hill have failed to achieve despite decades of practice.<\/p>\n
“This is humiliating,” said Democrat Senator Chuck Schumer, visibly frustrated. “We\u2019ve spent years perfecting insider trading, earmarks, and nonprofit laundering, and these people just walked in, opened fake daycares, and cleaned out the vault. Those Somalis make Washington\u2019s establishment corruption look slow, lazy, and embarrassingly inefficient.”<\/p>\n
The billion dollar fraud scandal has reportedly prompted Congress to issue subpoenas to several Minnesota Somali community leaders, not to investigate wrongdoing, but to ask how the fraud was pulled off so cleanly.<\/p>\n
“We demand to know those Somali’s secret,” said Republican Senator Mitch McConnell after issuing the subpoena. “My colleagues and I have to rely on sophisticated insider trading and complex family foundations to hide our assets. Do you have any idea how bad this makes us look?”<\/p>\n
At press time, Congress announced it would be holding emergency hearings to ensure future corruption efforts remain in Washington, with leaders vowing never again to be outperformed by state and city-level amateurs armed with fake nonprofits.<\/p>\n
“We didn\u2019t come all this way just to be second-best criminals,” declared House member Hakeem Jeffries.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
WASHINGTON– Congress members reportedly erupted into jealous outrage this week after federal investigators revealed that Minnesota-based Somali fraud networks managed to steal billions of dollars in public funds with a level of efficiency, creativity, and consequence-free elegance lawmakers on Capitol Hill have failed to achieve despite decades of practice. “This is humiliating,” said Democrat Senator […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":35362,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[153,41,404,1113,590],"class_list":["post-35361","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-politics","tag-congress","tag-crime","tag-democrat","tag-rated-g","tag-republican"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35361","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=35361"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35361\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/35362"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=35361"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=35361"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=35361"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}