WASHINGTON– Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer reportedly emitted a low, animalistic hiss and staggered backward in apparent physical pain after an aide casually wished him \u201cMerry Christmas,\u201d witnesses confirmed.<\/p>\n
According to staffers present, Schumer was leaving his office when the aide approached him with a cheerful “Merry Christmas, Senator,” causing Schumer’s eyes to immediately roll back and his skin turn a ghostly pale as he let out a hissing noise resembling a deflating balloon.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was exactly like in the movies,\u201d said one aide. \u201cLike when a vampire hears ‘The power of Christ compels you.’ He actually shielded his face. I didn\u2019t even know that was a thing humans could do unironically.\u201d<\/p>\n
When reached for comment, Chuck Schumer’s office released a statement blaming “Christian microaggressions” for the incident and has announced plans to introduce legislation making it a federal crime to wish “Merry Christmas” inside of the Capitol Building without someone’s explicit consent.<\/p>\n
At publishing time, the female aide who wished the Democrat senator “Merry Christmas” has been terminated for triggering a Satanic Jewish leader with Christmas cheer.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
WASHINGTON– Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer reportedly emitted a low, animalistic hiss and staggered backward in apparent physical pain after an aide casually wished him \u201cMerry Christmas,\u201d witnesses confirmed. According to staffers present, Schumer was leaving his office when the aide approached him with a cheerful “Merry Christmas, Senator,” causing Schumer’s eyes to immediately roll […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":35276,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[650,831,153,124,1114],"class_list":["post-35275","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-politics","tag-christmas","tag-chuck-schumer","tag-congress","tag-jewish","tag-rated-pg"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35275","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=35275"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35275\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/35276"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=35275"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=35275"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=35275"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}