WASHINGTON–\u00a0 Only hours after a federal grand jury indicted him on multiple charges, former FBI Director James Comey has concluded a thorough investigation into his own alleged felonies, finding himself completely innocent of all charges. The 30-second probe, which Comey conducted alone in his basement, determined that his actions leading to the $32 million Trump-Russia collusion hoax were “patriotic” and “necessary to save democracy.”<\/p>\n
James Comey, who was indicted by a federal grand jury for giving false statements and obstruction of justice, took it upon himself to clear his name after realizing that “no one else could possibly understand my genius-level integrity.” Armed with a flashlight, a mirror, and a copy of his memoir, Comey grilled himself with tough questions like “Did you do it?” and “Are you awesome?” before rendering a verdict of “Not guilty-actually, I’m a national hero for standing up to the orange Nazi Trump.”<\/p>\n
Critics have called the investigation “a joke” and “an insult to the justice system,” but Comey remains undeterred. “I’ve always said I’m a man of principle,” he said later on MSNBC, where he awarded himself the Presidential Medal of Freedom. “And my principles clearly state that I can do whatever I want and face no consequences.”<\/p>\n