{"id":33642,"date":"2025-07-07T11:15:13","date_gmt":"2025-07-07T16:15:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/?p=33642"},"modified":"2025-07-07T11:34:52","modified_gmt":"2025-07-07T16:34:52","slug":"fbi-asks-everyone-to-stare-at-bright-memory-eraser-stick-before-claiming-jeffrey-epstein-never-existed","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/2025\/07\/07\/fbi-asks-everyone-to-stare-at-bright-memory-eraser-stick-before-claiming-jeffrey-epstein-never-existed\/","title":{"rendered":"FBI Asks Everyone To Stare At Bright Memory-Eraser Stick Before Claiming Jeffrey Epstein Never Existed"},"content":{"rendered":"

WASHINGTON– In response to the millions of angry Americans still calling for the release of the Jeffrey Epstein files, the Department of Justice (DOJ) and Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) held a national televised press conference where they insisted that the convicted child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein never even existed, right after asking everyone to stare into a little futuristic device and wait for it to flash.<\/p>\n

After realizing that no one believed the excuses that Epstein killed himself and no client lists existed, Attorney General Pam Bondi and FBI Director Kash Patel later clarified their remarks by claiming that the billionaire sex trafficker actually never existed and they’ve never heard the name.<\/p>\n

“Uh-oh, they’re on to us,” whispered Pam Bondi to Patel before getting the Neuralyzers ready. “Attention, America. After a lengthy DOJ investigation in conjunction with the FBI into the Jeffrey Epstein case, and after searching the top of my desk for five minutes, we have concluded that Jeffrey Epstein never existed.”<\/p>\n

With millions of people watching the press conference with bated breath hoping for actual honesty from the federal law enforcement agencies, Bondi and Patel held the devices up to the camera before emitting a bright flash of light to erase Jeffrey Epstein<\/a> from people’s memories.<\/p>\n

Due to a large number of the US population still not being zapped yet with the memory-eraser, the FBI and DOJ spent all of their resources rounding up anyone who still believed that Epstein was ever a real person. Unfortunately, every person arrested had mysteriously committed suicide in prison.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

WASHINGTON– In response to the millions of angry Americans still calling for the release of the Jeffrey Epstein files, the Department of Justice (DOJ) and Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) held a national televised press conference where they insisted that the convicted child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein never even existed, right after asking everyone to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":33643,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[17],"tags":[180,1215,80,1114],"class_list":["post-33642","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-u-s-news","tag-fbi","tag-jeffrey-epstein","tag-movies","tag-rated-pg"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33642","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=33642"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33642\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/33643"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=33642"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=33642"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=33642"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}