DRY HEAVE, MINNESOTA– Dry Heave lost its police chief on Thursday as it struggles with allegations that a majority of the police officers had been eating fresh fruits and vegetables, refusing to touch artery-blocking doughnuts or any other processed foods.<\/p>\n
Mayor Andrew “Squiggy” Squiggman said Police Chief Ronald Lelane was on the job for three years before stepping down and said that his decision had nothing to do with the anti-doughnut allegations.<\/p>\n
“As mayor of Dry Heave it’s\u00a0my job to weed out any bad apples,” the three hundred pound mayor said to reporters, stuffing three doughnuts into his mouth all at once. “I’m trying to run a serious police force here, not a gymnasium where officers are coming into work feeling healthy, in good shape, and meeting up after work to have drinks at the local veggie juice bar.”<\/p>\n
Mayor Squiggman said he will not immediately appoint a new police chief yet. Any remaining officers who weren’t part of the doughnut scandal will report to Habib Khan, owner of a local Duper’s Donut Shop and new United States\u00a0citizen.<\/p>\n
“We’re gonna get our officers back in tiptop shape,” the mayor promised as he wiped powder off of his belly. “Seven officers already resigned and got jobs working in a local health club. Any remaining anti-doughnut officers will, of course, be retrained and then recommissioned. We’ve set up new policies and as part of officer training, officers will be required to consume as many doughnuts as they can in less than two minutes.”<\/p>\n
The doughnut scandal is yet another blow to Dry Heave’s police department, which is already under investigation over officers coming in on time, cleaning up the neighborhood, and refusing to profile against clowns.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
DRY HEAVE, MINNESOTA– Dry Heave lost its police chief on Thursday as it struggles with allegations that a majority of the police officers had been eating fresh fruits and vegetables, refusing to touch artery-blocking doughnuts or any other processed foods. Mayor Andrew “Squiggy” Squiggman said Police Chief Ronald Lelane was on the job for three […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3112,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[17],"tags":[396,535,42,84,1113],"class_list":["post-3111","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-u-s-news","tag-clown","tag-doughnut","tag-fat","tag-police","tag-rated-g"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3111","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3111"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3111\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3112"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3111"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3111"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailysoak.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3111"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}