PORTLAND, OREGON– For the last year and a half, a local maskless office worker named Margaret Johnson has been quietly preparing for her death ever since her liberal coworkers informed her that by not wearing a cloth mask to protect herself she will most certainly die.<\/p>\n
Even though many of her masked coworkers have already passed away due to a lack of oxygen and also breathing in their own bacteria for twenty-four hours a day while wearing nine face masks<\/a>, Johnson says the words of her deceased Democrat colleagues still weigh heavily on her nervous mind.<\/p>\n “According to my current and former coworkers, I’m going to die any day now,” said an unmasked Johnson, putting her head down in shame as a triple masked woman walked by and huffed. “I’m torn between wearing a mask to protect myself from a 0.001% chance of dying from COVID-19 or upholding my maskless Republican, rightwing beliefs.”<\/p>\n One of Johnson’s liberal coworkers named Abby McMasters pointed out the fact that not only will Johnson kill herself by not masking up, but she’ll also kill everyone around her.<\/p>\n “She’s gonna die any minute now,” McMasters said through eleven masks as she struggled to breathe air into her three hundred pound body. “Her anti-science refusal to wear a mask is also putting my health at risk. I’m down to only eating nine meals a day because the more I take off my mask the more I breathe in Johnson’s deadly air droplets.”<\/p>\n Johnson says she still has nightmares from all her dead liberal acquaintances constantly screaming at her at the office to just put on a damn mask and stop denying the science.<\/p>\n “I haven’t worn a mask in almost two years now,” Johnson added with a look of trepidation. “I guess there’s no sense starting now since I’ll be dead very soon.”<\/p>\n